


i was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.

by narniaxisxhome



Category: Love Island (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Complicated Relationships, Drama & Romance, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Sex, Eventual Smut, F/M, Love, Post-Villa (Love Island: The Game), Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:40:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22141195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narniaxisxhome/pseuds/narniaxisxhome
Summary: I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug. I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved. Post-Villa, post-break up. It has been one month, two days, 10 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds and counting since we’ve been apart; I should not be keeping track, but I can’t help it. I have to live with the aftermath of all of it: loving Bobby, having him, holding him, breaking his heart and losing him forever. Based around Lewis Capaldi’s ‘Divinely Uninspired to a Hellish Extent’.
Relationships: Bobby/Main Character (Love Island)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 42





	1. {MC}

###  **_1\. {MC}_ **

**_I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to save me._ **

_Breathe._ I sit at a corner table in the nightclub, wearing a sparkly sequined black and silver number that is sleeveless and plunging, leaving little of my cleavage and thighs unexposed. This is the last place I want to be right now, the last thing I want to be doing, but I know I have to start getting out of the house and being social again. Even though it is killing me inside to even think about trying to mingle--let alone converse--with anyone besides Chelsea or Priya, I feel like this is a step I have to take if I am ever going to be okay again. 

Even though I still wonder how I could possibly ever be okay again and get over something that was so perfect and magical. _Was,_ I remind myself. * _Was*_ _perfect and magical._

I have been nursing the same rum and coke for give or take fifteen minutes, and at this point I already want 10 drinks but can barely even get through the one. My nerves are a scrambled mess and my head and heart are still so all over the place to the point that I cannot even think straight. I have been this way for exactly one month, two days, 10 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds and counting; I should not be keeping track, not so obsessively at least, but I can’t help it. I have never felt this way about being out in public before--normally I am the life of the party, always the first one to get things going--and it is just making me even more crazy on top of it all. _I should have invited Chels. Ugh what was I thinking…?_

**_This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy._ **

The club is not a very big one, but it is big enough and dark enough to avoid somebody if that became necessary. All of the corner tables are very dark, and already taken by couples trying to do bits in the club; I’m probably the only lonely person in one of them. There is a small bar, a good sized dance floor directly in the middle of the club between the bar and seating, and the tables and seats are toward the back. I observe the people on the dance floor grinding up on each other, the lights swirling around making them all look distorted, and the music throbbing throughout my body. _Maybe I should just go out there and start dancing with some random guy. The best way to get_ over _someone is to get_ under _someone else… Right?_ I have never tested this philosophy; I find it too hard to be intimate with someone I don’t know a thing about or care about at all. But there is a first time for everything, right?

But no, I remind myself, I am here waiting on my date to arrive. So I take another sip of my drink. _No, not a date, we’re just old friends catching up. For right now. Because I don’t know if I’ll even get out of my own head long enough for it to lead anywhere else. Although maybe I just need to meet someone brand new altogether..._

**_Now I need somebody to to heal. Somebody to know. Somebody to have. Somebody to hold._ **

I see him when he walks in, before he even approaches the table. He is wearing a stark white button down, which is, as always, unbuttoned at the chest.

“Ainsley,” he says loudly when he’s in earshot.

I stand up and he comes around the table to give me a hug. “Hey, Lucas.” He is strong and warm and feels just like I remember from what feels like forever ago now.

**_It’s easy to say, but it’s never the same._ **

When Lucas initially reached out a little over a week ago I was super hesitant because, well, I haven’t even had a real conversation with anyone but Chelsea the past few weeks, and I definitely don’t go out in public much anymore. But Chelsea convinced me that I would have a good time seeing an old friend again and I _should_ have a good time or at least get out of my flat and try to enjoy myself for a few hours, and I can’t ever argue with the woman, so here I am.

Lucas and I chat a bit about work and what we have both been up to, just small talk. He says he is still getting men’s fashion photoshoot offers, and I am not surprised in the least; he is definitely a super attractive guy, and always perfectly polished and styled. However, I get bored of the chat very quickly; nothing with anyone is ever quite the same as having a conversation with Bobby was. And it’s not like I can offer up any jokes or fun banter like my usual self right now, not while I’m feeling depressed, so I am sure the bored feeling is mutual.

**_I guess I kind of liked the way you numbed all the pain._ **

One shot and two more cocktails later, my head _finally_ starting to swim nicely, he says something I was hoping he would forget to mention the whole night. “So, how are things with you and Bobby?” He tries to sound blas é about it, but I know the truth, because Lucas has always tried to steal me away from Bobby. _Of course there was no way he would go without asking_ , I think a bit bitterly.

I swirl my straw around in my drink, watching the ice in the cocktail spin around. “There is no me and Bobby right now. And I don’t want to talk about it any further than that. I just want to have a good time tonight and forget about everything else.” It is not as if he doesn’t already know there is no me and Bobby; there is always a major tabloid news story when popular couples from Love Island break up. And we were not _just_ a popular couple from Love Island; Bobby and I had _won_ the whole thing. The public loved us together. Of course, no one can say for _absolute certain_ that we broke up: all the tabloids know is that Bobby and I haven't been seen together at all in a little over a month, but of course, people aren’t dumb and can read between the lines. So that is all the conformation the public needs to know we are for sure broken up. But Lucas probably wants it officially confirmed for himself; well, there it is.

**_How come I’m the only one that ever seems to get in my way? Lately I’ve been fucking up a good thing any chance I can get._ **

It is ridiculous really; I do not have any real or tangible reason why Bobby and I are not together anymore, why we couldn’t work harder at it and make things work. I love him so much, I miss him more than anything. But it feels like there is a huge chasm between us and it would be too difficult to bridge or get across now, now that I went and fucked everything up so badly--okay, well, we were both to blame for the reason things ended but I still couldn’t help but feel like it was all on me for some reason--now that I turned the chasm into an abyss by wanting things both ways. By wanting things my way without thinking about the consequence of losing him or how he would take it. By expecting _him_ to be the one to compromise when it went both ways and I should have just been the bigger person to begin with. Why couldn’t I have just sacrificed some things for him right away instead of making him think I would feel forced to if I made those sacrifices? Why was that so hard? Why was the fame and the spotlight clouding my judgment so much that I pushed away the one thing in the world that really mattered to me? Why am I still being so stubborn about it and just not calling him? Why don’t I just swallow all my damn pride and get on my hands and knees in front of him and beg him to take me back? I know in my heart I am never going to find anyone else that even begins to compare to Bobby, so why can’t I just admit I was wrong and ask him to forgive me? 

I do not have an answer to any of these questions that run through my mind all the damn time. _Ugh shut up brain, this is why I do not ever want to be sober and clear headed. But why is it just as bad now that I’m tipsy…?_ And again I try my hardest to stop my brain from thinking about this right now.

**_I ain’t trying to be lonely, solely. But everything I touch turns to stone. Maybe I’m better off on my own._ **

Before I went on Love Island, I had just recently gotten out of a long-term relationship and my initial goal was just to have fun, but then I changed my mind right before going on the show and made a plan to play some gullible boy for the money; I did not expect to meet anyone I really connected with, and I was certain I could not deal with having my heart broken again--so quickly after it just had been, at that. So _I_ was going to be the heartbreaker. I was going to take some poor gullible soul to the end and screw him over for the money. It would have been the easiest thing in the world too, because literally every single guy in the Villa wanted me. 

But then I met Bobby on Day 1, and he was stuck in my head like a song from the moment I saw him, even though I forced myself not to couple up with him that first day. I could tell right away he was freshly broken just like me; he admitted as much when we had a private conversation on Day 2 and I still tried to avoid him as much as possible, but it was a losing game and we finally coupled up on Day 3. Try as I might, I could not resist his charm and his magnetism, his always positive attitude and his smile. But then instead of letting me in so we could help heal each other, he started to push me away after I got back to the Villa from Casa Amor. I mostly knew why: it was because he had a masterplan for winning the money just like me--even if he had never alluded to it, which he had at one point, I could still tell when I was up against an equal mastermind--but it still didn’t hurt any less when all I wanted was to see him again after those three painful days in CA.

Even though we were in a couple from almost the beginning I still tried everything to not let myself fall for him, but my feelings for him came to consume me like nothing else ever has. So I finally put my reservations about heartbreak aside and relentlessly pursued him. I had been there solely for the money in the early days, playing everyone, and I quickly realized that he was too even if I could also tell he really did have genuine feelings for me. It was like we were exactly the same person somehow--maybe soulmates as Hannah would say--yet still our endgame differed even if he never told me what his had actually been. 

I had mapped out a plan from the beginning, and despite Bobby’s goofy and genuine exterior, as soon as he asked me to participate in Operation Nope I realized there was more to him than meets the eye: he must also have an endgame, possibly even as strategically planned out as mine. But I could also see that despite the fact we were both calculated and playing a game we were both equally falling for each other, and it made things even more complicated because it didn’t seem like either of us was really there for love despite the front we put on for the others. 

At the point that the girls went to Casa Amor it felt like half of me was missing and I realized I had already stopped caring about the money; I had never cared about or wanted anything more than Bobby in my life. So I fought tooth and nail for him the entire time in the Villa, always letting him see that I was loyal--albeit I recognized his special kink, which was that he really got off on all the other guys desperately wanting me and knowing I would tease him but still choose him over them every time, so I played that up to my advantage as much as possible and made a big show of it whenever I could (and, of course, it always paid off in bed later, ramping up the sexual tension between us even more). But everything I did was for him, was always to let him know he was the only one I wanted to be with. 

I always tried to show that I was not one to let go of something I really wanted/cared about so easily, always being so patient and reassuring and affirming his broken soul, always trying my hardest to let the whole world see that he was the only one for me so maybe he would see it too, instead of always cutting himself down and acting like I was too far out of his league, which had never been true, at least not to me. It had been idiocy on my part, really, to jump in so hard and fast immediately after having my heart broken, and I knew it from the beginning too. 

But my biggest critical mistake had been to allow him to fall for me right back--though he insisted it had always been me since Day 1, in the back of my mind I thought maybe if I had just completely ignored him the whole time he would have gotten over his crush--instead of just sticking with my gameplan; everything would be different right now if I had never put the both of us in this position to begin with, if I had just played someone else until the end and then tried to reconnect with him after the show ended or something. But what is done is done, and I have to live with the aftermath of all of it: loving him, having him, holding him, breaking his heart and losing him forever.

**_Maybe I, maybe I’m just being blinded by the brighter side of what we had because it’s over. Well, there must be something in the tide._ **

But after the Villa, I did just what I had been trying to show the entire time that I would not do after I got back to the outside: let go of the only thing I cared about at all in the world, so casually somehow after all the effort I had put in to get him. After all we had been through, after how hard I fought to show him that I saw him as amazing and wanted him to see himself that way and that he was the only guy for me, in the end it still didn’t matter how strongly I loved him--so vivid and intense, deep down to my very being, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before--because there was no middle ground, no compromise, if things were going to work out between us. It had come down all or nothing. 

But was living with nothing--living with not having him in my life in any capacity--really the easier choice as opposed to keeping him in my life but still never seeing him? That is the main question I still do not know the answer to. But it does not seem the easier option so far; at least when we were together I still knew he would always be at home waiting for me no matter if we hadn’t seen each other or talked in a while. Now, though, I am stuck with an empty flat to come home to and no one to live with but my dreaded self, which seems a lot more of a miserable existence to me.

**_I’ve been told, I’ve been told to get you off my mind. But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind._ **

I thought in the Villa that I was ready to give all I had to make this work. But I had a hard time giving up the whole rest of my life outside of the relationship; it should have been easy, but it wasn’t. After all, I had been living the workaholic life long before I met Bobby. Really, I did not need to work anymore after winning Love Island--neither did he, but he saw the bakery as a long-term investment which I couldn’t disagree with--and that should have been that, but I could not just twiddle my thumbs all day while just doing a bunch of social media ads for brands and TV interviews instead of actually working and putting in my worth. I had no idea what to do with myself when I was not working, even more so when Bobby was working--and he was working non-stop too since he had opened his very own bakery--and I was off work, post-Villa. It was just the way I had always been wired. I love animals and helping them find good homes is my passion, just like baking is Bobby’s.

**_Would we be better off by now if I had let my walls come down? Maybe, I guess we’ll never know._ **

And Bobby is definitely living his dream with the prize money, which of course I was only ever encouraging and supportive of--he finally got his own bakery, named ‘Bobbycakes’ after one of my pet names for him--I was not ever going to take that away from him and ask him to cut back on his work. But I still feel like it still should have been a two way street and I should not have been the only one expected to carve out time for him and not vice versa when I _also_ had my dream job to deal with. Yes, I should have made it a priority over work to see him and talk to him every single day and treat him the way he deserved to be treated. But I shouldn’t put all the blame on myself no matter how much I want to; now I realize he should have done the exact same for me. He should have also made it a priority over work to spend time with me, but neither one of us cherished the other enough in the end and we were both equally to blame for our relationship falling apart--no matter how much I want to solely blame myself so I can hate myself, or solely blame him so I can hate him and not think about him.

**_I fell by the wayside like everyone else. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself._ **

Now it is over a month post-breakup, and this is the first time I have been out of my home to any type of social setting. I have hardly even spoken to anyone but Chelsea, who is the only person on earth who knows just how miserable I am without Bobby, how much of an absolute fucking mess I am. I have thrown myself even more into work--which was already the cause of the friction between us, and ultimately the breakup--but it is all I feel like I have left in life since I don’t have the only other thing that mattered to me. It beats sitting at home alone crying on the couch and smoking weed all day, that’s for sure. I am just so sick of living and feeling this way. I don’t know how it can ever get better. I don’t know how I will ever be able to get him off my mind. Lucas certainly is not helping, and if someone I once had feelings for can’t even get my mind off Bobby for a second, well, it seems like an all-around hopeless mission.

**_There must be something in the water, ‘cause everyday it’s getting colder. And if only I could hold you, you’d keep my head from going under._ **

When my ex broke my heart before I went on Love Island, it seemed like it took no time at all to get my head and heart back to normal when Bobby came into the picture--he was just so different from any other guys, sweet and funny, unique and charming, always so incredibly thoughtful, devoted and loyal to the core, unlike anyone I have ever met in the world. He barely even looked at any of the other girls the entire time--unlike the other men in the Villa. Here’s looking at you, Lucas--and he always made me his priority over everything, even when we weren’t coupled up. 

My ex pre-Love Island was an asshole who ran off for someone else, for a stranger. Bobby is a different story though; he is an ex who has not done anything inherently wrong and always treated me like a goddess. Well, until the end when we barely even spoke to each other, but that was on both of us. My heart is broken not because he did anything terribly bad to hurt me, but because it should not be this way, because I should not have lost him because he did everything _right_ , because no one else in the world even comes close to comparing to him in every single aspect (and it is impossible for me not to draw comparisons when Bobby was literal perfection). My heart is also not broken like it was the first time: because he was an idiot who could not see how special and valuable I was and ran off for the next best thing, making me question my own worth. Bobby always made me feel like the only girl in the world, right from the jump. It would make this so much easier if he had also been an asshole and treated me like shit--yelled and screamed and kicked me to the curb because he met someone better--so I did not have to have this constant feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that I had the best thing that ever had and ever would happen to me right in my hands and I let it slip away.

**_When you hurt under the surface, like troubled water running cold. Well, time can heal but this won’t._ **

There is a persistent physical pain in my chest that I thought would stop after the first week or so, but it has not and now I don’t think it ever will, just more of a ceaseless reminder that I will never be whole again. It is the most agonizing at night when I am sleeping alone, but it is constantly there, always reminding me just how alone I am.

Sometimes I really let myself wonder if Bobby feels the same things I am. _No,_ I always tell myself, mostly to stop myself from fantasizing about him and calling him. _He’s the biggest catch in the world. Of course he’s moved on by now._

**_It’s your love I’m lost in, and I’m tired of being so exhausted… Your love I’m lost in, even though I’m nothing to you now. Even though I’m nothing to you now._ **

I had called him the next day after we broke up and then texted him when he didn’t pick up, and told him I was sorry and I loved him more than anything and would do anything to make us work, and he told me he wasn’t ready to talk to me again and that was that. If he wanted to be let go I would let him go and respect his decision and need for space. I just want him to be happy and if he thinks he will be happier without me in his life at all, well... That was the whole reason for the breakup in the first place and I understood completely how much more difficult it would be for him to move on if we were still in contact even through text. So after he texted me that, I knew he was looking for happiness elsewhere. He has probably already found it. He has never tried to call or text me again, in the one month, one day, and five hours it has been since I sent that text. And so I have respected his space and left him alone, always waiting for a call that never came. But _I_ was not any happier but left worse off, living with myself, hating myself, miserable with my life.

**_I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to turn to. This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you._ **

“Fair enough,” Lucas replies nonchalantly, but I can see in his eyes that he really wants to press further.

I am panicking inside a little. The alcohol helps slightly, but still not enough. “So what about you? Last time we spoke you were talking to… Shannon?”

He chuckles. “I think we all knew that was going nowhere before it even started. That girl bickers about every little thing. And she always tries to analyze everything.”

“Yeah, true. Well, I’m surprised your dream girls aren’t constantly sliding into your DMs. You’re a total catch.”

Lucas just smiles with a cryptic look in his eyes. “There’s only one person I’ve been waiting to slide into my DMs, really. I guess the waiting paid off, because we’re here now, huh?”

I can’t help the blush that creeps into my cheeks, no matter how bad I want to. I look down at the table because I have no idea how to respond to that; I don’t even want to and give him a false sense of hope that something more could happen here when I still don’t even know how I feel about myself anymore. My gaze wanders back to the dance floor. “Hey, let’s dance,” I say, standing up before he can respond. 

**_Now I need somebody to know, somebody to heal. Somebody to have, just to know how it feels._ **

Lucas grabs my hand and leads me to the front of the dance floor closest to the bar. A techno beat is playing right now and I move to the pulse of the music. I feel warm and heavy from all the alcohol. The song ends almost immediately, and a top 40 pop tune comes on. Lucas takes my hand and starts to lead me in a nice yet goofy dance, and I let him. I let myself live in the moment for once, and it feels really nice. I start to forget what was even wrong with me in the first place for a moment. Only for a moment though.

**_I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape._ **

Lucas spins me around and I laugh as he catches me in his arms, my back against his chest. I am facing the bar, our dancing paused for a beat as he waits for me to turn back around and rejoin, and I see a very familiar flash of red and blonde near the bar. _Is that… Jo?_ Before I can even tell Lucas that I’ve spotted Jo and Rahim at the bar, I see something--some _one_ \--else and my whole body goes cold. I start to inwardly panic. _It can’t be. Why would he be here? He can’t be here…_ I can’t tell for sure, but I can just make out hair that I feel like can only be his, short dreads sticking out from the top of his head and golden brown skin, making his way toward Ibrahim and Jo. I mean, who else can that possibly be? 

_No no no._ I force myself to stop panicking and pull out of Lucas’s embrace so I can turn back around to face him so we can continue dancing. Maybe if I pretend I never saw him, if I pretend he was just a drunken illusion, he might go away.

**_For now the day bleeds into nightfall, and you’re not here to get me through it all. I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug. I was getting kind of used to being someone you loved._ **

**_*lyrics in chapter © Lewis Capaldi, “Someone You Loved”, “Bruises”, “Maybe” and “Before You Go”_ **

  
  



	2. {Bobby}

###  **_2\. {Bobby}_ **

**_I saw you looking brand new overnight._ **

Bobby doesn’t know what the hell he is doing here. He doesn’t know what the hell he is doing in life in general at the moment, but especially not what he’s doing here tonight. _This is a really bad idea…_

“Hey, man,” he had gotten a call from Rahim a few days ago. “Me and Noah are meeting up in Soho London this weekend, wanted to see if you wanted to join…”

Though when Bobby said ‘yes’ he had thought… well, he didn’t even know what he had thought. He just wasn’t thinking it would be _this_.

Bobby walks into the swirling nightclub, the music loud enough to hear from the sidewalk. It isn’t that he is not a social person; he has just been in a really bad place recently. And he figures this is just his friends’ way of trying to help him out of his glum, although he would have much rather taken _anything_ else over a club or bar. He would even rather be playing _golf_ with Rahim and Noah right now…

He has no idea how this will help his situation, and why they even think it would. It will probably just make things worse. There is no way he can even _pretend_ to be Captain B. Smooth right now and crack on with random girls, if that is what they are hoping for…

He checks his phone to see if there is a text telling him where he can find his mates. He glances down at his phone but then he spots Jo at the bar out of the top of his peripheral view, standing out with her short blonde hair, red lips, and red dress, and he makes his way over.

Bobby gets swept into a group of people that are also making their way to the bar when he’s almost to his friends, and he realizes he can actually hear their conversation from here without getting caught because he is surrounded. “—act natural,” he hears Jo saying. “He’ll know there’s something up if we’re acting too weird.”

 _Should I?_ he wonders, placing one foot in front of him to keep moving toward them, then stops. He can’t _not_ listen after hearing all this…

“We should definitely stand in front of him at all costs, at least until the coast is clear,” Rahim argues.

“No, we should move to the back of the club _right now_ and text him to meet us in a dark corner,” Jo disagrees. “That’s the best option! Why are we _still_ standing here right in view?!”

“Bobby!” Noah exclaims suddenly, a little too loudly. Ibrahim and Jo both stiffen and then try to paste on big smiles.

“Hey guys.” Bobby hugs them all. “Hope couldn’t make it?” he asks Noah.

Noah shrugs. “I just wanted a night with my mates. ...You know how she can get in public sometimes.” Bobby frowns, forever holding his tongue but wishing he could tell his friend he deserves so much better than that toxic relationship. The only reason he even got them back together in the Villa and saved Hope from getting dumped was because Noah had his eye on Ainsley since the beginning, and Hope was the perfect way to ensure that Noah was out of his way and completely off Ainsley’s radar. Although Hope is the most toxic person ever and Bobby kind of regrets it because he wants his friend to be in a healthy loving relationship, but he justifies it because that is what Noah would have found if he had ever chosen Ainsley over Hope, given the opportunity. Still, what’s done is done, and if Hope can continue to keep Noah away from Ainsley now that she is single, Bobby can live with all of his calculated decisions that threw them back together. “She had some business thing either way.”

They are blocking his view of the dance floor, inconspicuously for now, but he still doesn't know just how suspicious he should be anyway. Yes, he has his suspicions about what they might not want him to see, but he doesn’t want to think about that at all right now. That would just make this all the worse. “Anyone want a drink?” he asks, turning to the bar.

“I’m good,” Rahim says, and the other two don’t reply.

Bobby quickly downs a shot of tequila and turns back around to them. They are all staring at him, open-mouthed. He is not surprised. No one has really seen him since… since he’s been acting like this. Since he hasn’t cracked a single joke in over a month. Since he seems aloof toward anyone and everyone, no matter how hard he tries to be normal.

“Mind if I have a dance with Jo, Rahim?” he asks. “I want to get out on the dance floor.”

“Uhh…” Rahim doesn’t even know what to say.

“I don’t want to dance!” Jo says quickly. “Sorry, Bobby!”

“Noah, mate, let’s go twerk out there, then?”

“Ha! Like you can twerk,” Noah counters.

“All right, I’ll go out there myself then,” Bobby says indignantly, ignoring the jab. “Maybe I’ll meet someone. That’s what you all want, right? Why you wanted to come here specifically?”

“Wait—“ Ibrahim starts but Bobby walks around them all.

And stops short.

There, right on the dance floor, right in front of the bar where they are standing, there she is stealing the show. There she is, on display, sparkling with the flashing lights and glowing all over. There she is looking beautiful, looking ethereal, looking somehow more toned yet curvy than ever. There she is in Lucas’s arms, laughing with her head thrown back as if he just said the funniest thing in the world.

“Bobby,” Noah says behind him, “we’re sorry, we shouldn’t have come here. Come on, let’s go get a table in the back. Or we can just leave and head somewhere else...”

Lucas spins her around and she laughs again, shimmying to the beat. One of her favorite songs “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles is playing, and Bobby knows just how much she loves to dance and have fun to this song.

**_I caught you looking too, but you didn’t look twice._ **

Bobby turns back just slightly to reply to Noah, removing his gaze from the dance floor, but something stops him short. And when he turns his head and looks in the direction of the floor again, Ainsley is looking right at him.

He meets her piercing blue eyes with his but only for a second because she turns her focus right back to Lucas. She does not look his way again.

**_You look happy._ **

She looks like she has been having a great time, up until now, up until she saw him. She looks happy, dancing the night away.

**_It hurts to see you’re alright when I’m not alright. So if you’re calling it a night, oh please have, have mercy._ **

There is no way it can be an act, right? She is practically glowing even in the dim room, she was beaming just a moment ago. He used to be the one to put that smile on her face.

He never for the life of him had been able to pinpoint where exactly things went wrong. It seemed like they were made for each other, everything just fit so well. And after they had watched the show back together, it was very eye opening for Bobby and he loved her even more after seeing the way she had stayed loyal the entire time at Casa Amor; he also realized she had barely even looked at anyone else aside from the first few days and he kicked himself for having been such an idiot and pushing her away after she got back from CA, although he still never told her exactly how calculated he had been the entire game and how basically every move he made was part of his game plan.

They had rented an apartment together in Camden while they searched for a house, and Bobby opened his own bakery with the prize money, which had always been his plan if he won LI, even if he had to screw some poor girl over to do it. But then he fell in love, and she got the card with the money, and she chose to split it with him, and he thought it was the most absolute perfect fairytale ending. He met the love of his life _and_ he got his number one dream in life

**_Have mercy on me, you’re breaking my heart._ **

But Ainsley was always really busy with work since they got back from the Villa, and now he was too, being both a business owner _and_ the chef. She got a promotion straightaway after they got off the show and she was constantly organizing all the charity’s events now, flying all over the place and being front and center at every adoption event her charity and the shelters they represented held. It was a lot more tricky than he ever thought it would be, what with his jobs always being so simple and so close to home. They both loved what they did though, and they had always been supportive of each other. 

**_Flashing back to New York City, changing flights so you’d stay with me. Remember thinking that I got this right._ **

His mind flashes back to New York City, 3 months ago. He was taking a few days off from the bakery to join Ainsley on her cat adoption event in New York City. It was, perhaps, the biggest event of her career; of course Bobby would be there to support her. One of his mates from the hospital kitchen in Glasgow where he worked before the show agreed to look after his shop for the few days they would be gone. 

**_Darling, nobody said that it would last forever. That doesn’t mean we didn’t try to get there._ **

They were supposed to be there together for three days, and then Bobby was going to fly back to London while Ainsley stayed in New York City for two additional days that she was taking off from work to sightsee on her own, taking on Broadway and the subways and the city lights alone. She was being a bit standoffish about the fact that he was just going to leave, and he didn’t know what else to do so he changed his flight back to the UK to the same day as hers so he could stay with her for the full five days, his own business priorities be damned.

She was so happy, and Bobby knew he had done the right thing even if it meant his bakery would be completely closed for three more days (one extra day to recover from jet lag after returning most likely). They had the most incredible time in NYC. It was perfect. It was almost like being back in the Villa, the magic of it, just in a new and completely different setting.

**_They’ll never take those long summer days when love was untamed. Two burning hearts are dared to break, remember. Nobody said that it would last forever._ **

But immediately after they got back home...something shifted. Things were not the same anymore. It wasn’t anything in particular done by either of them. It was what they didn’t do: make enough time for each other. It was just, Ainsley got so many offers for social media promotions among various other things like commercials and brand trips, and she never turned down a single one. And he filled his days baking, just to come home to an empty apartment most nights. They saw each other maybe once a week after that trip, if that. Most of the times that she was in London and came in for the night, she made it in well after 2AM. Bobby was a light sleeper, he always knew when she came in, even after—toward the end—she had stopped leaning over to lightly kiss him on the forehead when she made it in before snuggling down into the bed beside him. 

**_I never said that we would die together. That doesn’t mean it was a lie, remember. Nobody said that it would last forever._ **

Bobby always felt like he was walking on eggshells because he didn’t want to bring up the distance between them and upset her, but he also was not happy living this way. What was the point of being in a relationship if it was more like a friendship where you only spoke every now and again? It had been a mistake to move things along so quickly probably, to ask her to move in together without really knowing what life would be like outside the Villa for both of them first.

**_Flashing back to New York City, changing flights so you’d stay with me. Problem was I thought I had this right._ **

It wasn’t that she needed all the work; in fact, they were fifty grand richer between the two of them and they both could have taken off indefinitely. Of course, his bakery was different. It was more of a passion than a business endeavor to him, and he did admit to her that it had been what he wanted to do with the money all along. And while Ainsley loved her job and had a passion for animals, it had become more of an obligation for her to stay on in her position than a passion for the work. But she was no quitter at anything—the way she had pursued him in Love Island showed him that. They talked about starting a family all the time, but she wasn’t going to slow down any time within the next few years, that was very clear.

When she wasn’t around she was flying with Lottie’s makeup brand and a group of social media influencer girls to Bali for photoshoots and promotions and then she was off to Los Angeles to film a commercial for the charity with cute puppies and then when she was in London she was at the office coordinating events or at the actual event being the face of the charity or spending time in animal shelters. She spent time at animal shelters but a lot more time at animal activist events where people were extremely likely to give money to the charity.

**_It’s like we never happened. Was it just a lie? If what we had was real how could you be fine? ‘Cause I’m not fine at all._ **

It just didn’t make any sense, how she seemed to fall out of love so easily. Or how she just let distance get in the way instead of fighting for what really mattered. 

**_Now I wish we’d never met, ‘cause you’re too hard to forget._ **

Bobby wishes he never went on Love Island, and he certainly wished he had never met her. Mostly he wishes he had never met her because he knows even if she had found someone else in the Villa, he still wouldn’t have been able to get her out of his damn head, so it would just be better to have never met her at all because no one else even came close to comparing; she is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and her aura is something else altogether. Hell, he even wishes she had met someone else at Casa Amor and left him alone after that, even if he would never be able to move on; that would have been better than what happened, which was losing her after he had had the privilege of all her love. He wishes she wasn’t so damn beautiful or so damn captivating or so damn _her;_ he has never met anyone else like her and knows even if he searched the world over he never will again. It would just be easier if he never even knew her in the first place. He does not care about the damned money at all anymore. It is just sitting in his bank account, aside from what he already spent on his shop and their place; even though opening his own bakery had been his endgame from the start of the show, he would have been content staying at the hospital kitchen in Glasgow with his friends if it meant he never had to meet Ainsley. Even though he always desired his own bakery, it was not worth the pain he was in over having it.

**_I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things. Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you, and the memories I never can erase. ‘Cause I’m not fine at all._ **

Bobby and his friends head to a table in the back. Before they even get to the back he again spots a flash of black and silver sparkles and shiny wavy brown hair moving toward the tables, Lucas with a hand on the small of Ainsley’s back. He feels sick. “I’m sorry, guys. I’m just gonna go.”

Jo looks at him apologetically, a sad look in her eyes. “We’re really sorry, Bobby. Let’s do something low key next week, yeah?”

“Sure,” he replies, though he is not sure if he even means it. Noah and Ibrahim hug him before he walks back up to the bar for one more tequila shot. He cannot get that image of Lucas touching Ainsley so intimately like that out of his mind.

**_Wish you the best, I would if I was able… Hope you know, I wish you all the love you’re looking for._ **

Bobby walks home to his Camden flat which is very close by, about a 20 minute walk--he opened his bakery here instead of Glasgow because Ainsley was here at the time and he had already told her on Love Island he would move to her town, and now there was no going back without shutting his business down and starting from scratch--hoping that the biting night air will help him feel better, but it just makes everything worse because there is no Ainsley at home waiting to keep him warm.

He slams the front door behind him and walks to the kitchen, grabbing a glass from the cabinet and filling it with water from the tap, then chugs it down. He knows that no matter what he does right now he cannot get the image of Ainsley with Lucas out of his head, and he does not trust what else his imagination will show him if he doesn’t stop thinking about it. 

**_While I’m cleaning up your mess, I know he’s taking off your dress._ **

He opens the fridge; all of Ainsley’s shit is still in there, exactly how she left it, nothing taken, all the food forgotten just like him. It’s been a month, but until now he hasn’t had the heart to touch any of her stuff, holding on to hope. He grabs a trash bag and starts cleaning out the fridge, throwing away her unsweetened oat milk that had probably already gone bad about three weeks ago, throwing out whole tupperwares of her now moldy meal preps without just dumping out the contents and saving the containers. 

**_Don’t you call him “baby”. We’re not talking lately. Don’t you call him what you used to call me._ **

He knows exactly what is going on right now: Ainsley left the club with Lucas and they are at her place alone. He is slowly slipping off her sparkly dress, his hands all over her pale skin, bringing flushes of red up to the surface…

Bobby slams the trash bag on the ground. He stands frozen in place, the fridge open in front of him, his eyes stinging and his chest burning, unsure what to do or where to go next.

**_Where’d you get to? Where’d you go? I’ve been so lost since you left, wish you kept leading me on._ **

There is a knock on the door. Bobby is surprised, and still emotional, and he gathers his composure as best as he can before answering it. “Han?!” He stares open-mouthed. Hannah is at the door.

“Hey, Bobby.”

“Hey, what are you doing here?” He hugs her tightly, and realizes how good it feels just to be close to someone, anyone.

“Just thought I’d check up on you. I was in the neighborhood and I got a cryptic text from Noah and he made it seem like you needed a friend right now.”

“Come in.” Bobby ushers her in and closes the door behind her. She makes herself at home on the couch, glancing at the big black trash bag on the floor of the kitchen. “I was just cleaning up, actually,” he explains. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Some water please,” Hannah replies. Bobby goes into the kitchen and starts getting her a glass of water. His cell phone is on the coffee table in front of Hannah in the den, and it rings and vibrates. “Oh, your phone is ringing,” she calls.

“Who is it?” Bobby asks, and thinks it slightly suspicious when she doesn’t reply. “Hanna--” He comes around out of the kitchen, even though he could have just watched what she was doing over the bar. But he still is not in time to stop her.

“Hello?” she says into his phone. Bobby gets a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, and he tells himself that that is stupid. A second later she puts the phone back on the coffee table and shrugs. “They hung up. It wasn’t a saved number, so I have no idea who it was. Sorry. I hope you don’t mind.”

“It was probably just a wrong number,” he says. “Or a scam call. It’s cool.” He places the glass of water in front of Hannah and sits down next to her with some space between them. 

**_For now the day bleeds into nightfall, and you’re not here to get me through it all._ **

Bobby picks his phone up off the coffee table immediately after sitting down and looks at the recent calls. His heart drops and that feeling in the pit of his stomach grows even larger. _Fuck._ She was right, it was not a saved number. But it was not a wrong number or a scam call either. It is a number he would recognize by heart, even with no contact name to identify it. _Ainsley. Why is she calling me right now? Bloody hell._

**_I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug. I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved._ **

**_*lyrics in chapter © 5 Seconds of Summer “Lie To Me” and “Amnesia”, Lewis Capaldi “Forever”, “Let It Roll”, “Mercy” and “Someone You Loved”, Harry Styles “Cherry”_ **


	3. {MC}

###  **_3\. {MC}_ **

**_Find it hard to find my feet when I keep on stumbling over you and me. But I keep on trying ‘cause I know I need to outrun the memories._ **

“I’m done dancing,” I say, out-of-breath. “Let’s go sit.” I am such an idiot. I looked back toward the bar after the first time I thought I saw Bobby, after I told myself I wouldn’t dare look back again, only to immediately meet his eyes and catch him staring right at me. Perhaps I’m a glutton for punishment; I knew for sure it was him walking toward our old friends and yet I looked over again anyway. And the look in Bobby’s eyes as he saw me dancing with Lucas made me want to crawl in a hole and die. I wanted to go home right then and there but I also didn’t want Lucas to freak out.

**_And every day I’m reminded of the way I let it come undone. I feel like the lonely one, the only one with time worth wasting._ **

“Are you sure?” Lucas asks. “The night’s still young.”

I do not look back toward the bar again as we make our way to sit. We walk back toward the tables and Lucas orders an appetizer from a passing server, but my head is spinning too much for any of this. I am more than just a little too tipsy for this whole situation. I am borderline drunk. And I feel like I could do with another two shots right now despite that fact. I am too afraid Bobby is really here. But I am also equally afraid he was just a figment of my imagination and if I look again I’ll realize I’ve just been thinking about him so much I was just seeing things. _You know he’s really here, you idiot. You looked right in his eyes. Why are you still being so dumb? If he’s still all you want, why don’t you just swallow your pride and go talk to him while you have the chance? When else are we going to be in the same place at the same time?_

**_I’m not ready to be just another of your mistakes. Don’t wanna let the pieces fall out of place._ **

“Actually, I have to go to the bathroom real quick.” I hurry to the restroom and lock myself into a stall, pulling out my phone from my handbag. I tap my contacts and then tap _Bobby_ before I can let myself think about it, before I can stop myself. I just have to hear his voice right now.

**_I feel like I’m just wasting time before you pull the trigger. It’s the drawing of the line, it’s my ghost you’re gonna give up._ **

“Hello?” It is not Bobby. A female answers. _Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck._ I hang up immediately. _He must have went home from here with someone after he saw me with Lucas…_ I did not stay on the line long enough to recognize the voice.

**_And I get the feeling that you’ll never need me again._ **

I leave the stall and check myself in the mirror, only to see that my eyes are wet. I rub them forcefully and smear all my eyeliner and mascara. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why am I crying? Of course he saw me with Lucas. Of course he found someone else to go home with. Or he already has someone else to go home to. He is the biggest catch in the world after all. Any girl would be so lucky._ I angrily pull off some paper towels and try to fix my makeup, dabbing at my damp eyes and scraping at my now mascara-black under eyes with the harsh paper. _So much for waterproof…_

**_On the verge of almost bleeding you out. Are we too wounded now to ever come down?_ **

Lucas is waiting for me in front of the restroom. “I think I’m just ready to go,” I say quickly. “I have to get out of here.” I don’t think he noticed Bobby at all, but if he has he hasn’t mentioned it. However, he is not the type not to mention something like that, so I figure he just didn’t spot our old friends. 

**_You’re like a song that I ain’t ready to stop. I got nothing but you on my mind._ **

I let Lucas usher me out of the club and I walk with him to his car. I don’t allow myself to think before I say it, because if I think about it I won’t say it and I’ll try calling Bobby again. “Do you want to come to my place?”

Lucas smiles. “I would like that.”

He opens the passenger’s side for me and I get into his car and give him directions. He does not comment yet on the fact that I live in Chelsea now, which is very close to where he lives. The club is in Soho, which is literally only 3 miles from my top floor penthouse in Chelsea so the drive should not even take 10 minutes. Bobby stayed in the flat we were renting together in Camden Town since his bakery is there now too, and after we broke up I moved as far from Bobby as I possibly could while still being close enough to my charity’s office and all the animal shelters, which meant I didn’t actually move very far at all. Chelsea is only 5 miles away from Camden Town, about 10 minutes by bus or Uber. It is one of the more cultural and expensive areas in London, not to mention the most sought-after, and I moved into a penthouse suite (which is almost unfathomable to me; I have not ever lived so lavishly in my life) with a beautiful view of Central London. Still, it is not far enough, since we both work in the same town--and are technically still living in the same city--and I can’t help but pass Bobbycakes every day on my route home. I am moving to Los Angeles soon--even though NYC is more my speed, but I wasn’t going to complain about the opportunity to get out of the UK--having been offered a head position at the American office in LA, but that is still not happening for a few months now. I cannot wait to be away from here, away from all the memories and people this city (and this whole country in general, to be honest) still holds.

I unlock the door and hold it open for Lucas to go inside. He whistles low under his breath when he sees the place. “I got a promotion,” I say as way of explanation, even though he knows that I also won £25,000, so the comment was not needed. I did not use that money for this place though. I close and lock the door behind us. “Would you like something to drink?” I ask.

“I’m fine,” he replies.

I am nervous, but I try not to show it. I’m not necessarily nervous to be alone with him or nervous because of what that might imply. To be honest, at the beginning of the night I had almost been hoping for it. And I think on any other night this month I would have been happy for the distraction, but after having had a glimpse of Bobby in the same night, well, I’m not sure I can do this anymore. I walk into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of red wine--like I need more alcohol--and a glass of water. I take a small sip of the wine. Lucas comes up behind me and lightly touches my shoulder. I leave the glasses on the counter and turn around to face him.

Lucas gently brushes a strand of hair out of my face and then cups my cheek with his hand. I close my eyes. He kisses me then, softly at first but he then pulls me closer and deepens the kiss. I try to focus on the sensations, on the softness of his lips and the warmth that should be surging through my body, but isn’t.

Because all I can think about is some other girl answering Bobby’s phone, someone he’s that close with. I try my hardest to lose myself in Lucas, to place my focus solely on him, letting him take my hand and leading him into the bedroom. 

_**'Cause you've been running circles 'round my mind, turning me inside out. And I fell for you but hit the ground, 'cause the only love I've known has let me down and I need lifting up.** _

I kick off my shoes and then wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him back in. His hands slide down my back. He unzips my dress and slides it off, then he kisses my neck and shoulder. I don’t stop him, even though I do not feel anything; no spark, no butterflies, no pounding heart, no magnetic pull or electric current, just numbness and longing for someone else’s touch, the only touch I am addicted to. The only touch that will ever make me feel at all.

**_While he’s taking off my dress, I know she’s laying on your chest._ **

Lucas’s hands continue to travel down the now bare skin of my back. His lips trail down my body as his hands caress my skin. I close my eyes and will myself to be able to see Lucas in my head, to feel the fire his lips should be leaving on my skin. But still, all I can think about, all I can see behind my eyelids is not Lucas but Bobby, laying with some other girl’s head on his brown freckled chest. I feel my eyes get wet again. _Fuck. Why can’t I just enjoy this? If I let things go further, I’ll probably forget all about Bobby for a little while…_

As his hand slowly makes its way to the inside of my thigh, I shove Lucas away suddenly. “I’m so sorry,” I say, fighting back the tears, wrapping my arms around myself to shield my naked body as if he hadn’t already seen it. “I can’t do this right now.”

“It’s okay,” Lucas says, giving me space and averting his eyes because he can tell I’m a bit uncomfortable. “I’m the one who should say sorry. That was out of place and I should have asked you if it was okay first.” He gives me a sad smile. “I’ll wait for you out there.” He moves to go sit in the den as I put on some comfortable clothes.

I walk out into the den, my arms still crossed over my chest even though I have clothes on now, a force of habit due to my newfound discomfort with my own self. “I’m sorry,” I say again. “I had a great night, but I think I just need to be alone now.”

Lucas looks sad; he is always getting rejected by me, ever since the Villa. But he always takes it well. “I understand.” He stands up and gives me a hug, then kisses me on the top of the head. “I’ll see you around, Ainsley.”

Lucas leaves, leaving me alone with my thoughts and emotions. The alcohol is still somewhat buzzing through my system, but I feel more exhausted now than anything. _I guess that theory about getting under someone else is completely wrong, because I can’t even get Bobby out of my head long enough to even try…_

**_Tried to reach ya, tried to call. I bang my head against your door but there ain’t nobody home._ **

I ask myself over and over why I can’t just move on, why I can’t just stop comparing every other guy to the one I’ll never have again? I pull up Spotify on my phone and start playing “Thinking of You” by Katy Perry. _Comparisons are easily done once you’ve had a taste of perfection_ , she sings, and I just wonder how something could be so relevant to my life right now. _You said move on, where do I go? How do I get better once I’ve had the best? You said there’s tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test. He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth. He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself. ‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you. Thinking of you. What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night. Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes. You’re the best, and yes, I do regret how I could let myself let you go…_ I make myself stop the song because otherwise I will start sobbing. This is why I can’t even let myself listen to songs like that anymore for even a second.

**_I’m in my bed and you’re not here. And there’s no one to blame but the drink in my wandering hands. Forget what I said. It’s not what I meant. And I can’t take it back, I can’t unpack the baggage you left._ **

_What the fuck is wrong with me?_ I wonder. I feel like I need to just chill and forget everything right now, not to mention get some sleep, so I pull a box out of the drawer beside my bed and my hand lingers over the blunt, but eventually I just take out a joint. Probably not the best idea, but the Tove Lo song is the anthem of my life right now: _you’re gone and I gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind. Gotta stay high all my life to forget I’m missing you..._ That was most of the time anyway. Occasionally, it could be more like Nicki Minaj “Ganja Burn” though: _every time I get high, I just think about you. Every time I get high, I just think about you…_

It had really become a 50/50 probability thing: sometimes I got so blissfully blazed I would forget Bobby completely for a few hours, feeling more relaxed than ever, and other times it just made me even more of a mess, anxiety and paranoia over the past, thinking I could have and should have done better, that I should have just been the one to make time for him regardless of whether he even tried to or not, overthinking about my actions toward him overtaking any chill feeling, putting me just on the brink of a panic attack. Or the other times that I still did think about him but it was a happier place, the good memories of smoking with Bobby on the couch or in bed and giggling at everything he said and did making me too nostalgic.

Either way it fell, remembering him while high is a lot easier than dealing with the memories while sober, so I spend most days being what would probably be categorized as a stoner now, staying sober only during working hours and smoking my life away in every other waking moment that I wasn’t drinking. While we were together, smoking was just a fun chill thing we did together sometimes on lazy days or nights when we had nothing else to worry about, but now I just hate the feeling of being sober period at any time of the day. Smoking a good bowl or joint is the only way I can even sleep at all anymore on top of it all. 

**_What am I now? What am I now? What if I’m someone I don’t want around? I’m falling again, I’m falling again..._ **

I light the joint and have smoked all of it on my own before I even realize it, before I can even give myself the time to realize I am already stoned and definitely don’t need the whole thing, and before I can realize this is definitely not going to be a relaxing high but that Nicki Minaj _Every time I get high I just think about you_ kind, a night full of sentimental memories.

—

“What’s that?” Bobby asked when I removed the little box from my bag and placed it in the drawer of my nightstand. It was the first night in our flat officially moved in together, and we were unpacking for the first time.

The discussion had randomly come up one night in the Villa and we discovered that we both enjoyed recreational marijuana as a way to wind down at the end of most nights or just to chill while hanging out with friends. We both agreed it was _way_ more enjoyable than drinking. Neither of us blazed up as a constant thing throughout the day, just for leisure at the end of the night or on lazy weekends. 

I shifted the box a little, not even opening it, but it was enough for the smell to hit immediately. “It’s my ganja box…”

“Well then, what are we waiting for?” Bobby asked, coming up beside me and grabbing it out of my hand before I could put it in the drawer. “It’s our first night here. Let’s blaze it up! I can’t think of a better way to christen the place,” he joked as he opened the box.

I raised an eyebrow suggestively. “Really? ‘Cause I can think of a way better way…” He grinned as he sat the box on the bed and I pulled out a chameleon glass pipe with a good sized bowl that was adorned with beautiful crystals. “But you’re right, that can wait. High sex is definitely a million times better.”

Bobby laughed and winked at me before kissing me—

I force myself to snap back to the present before I can think about the rest of that memory. _Ugh_. I throw the remaining roach in the bottom of the box and turn the tv on, trying to find peace and distraction somewhere else.

 **_And I know that you don’t but if I ask you if you love me I hope you’ll lie lie lie lie, lie to me._ ** ****  
  


**_*lyrics in chapter © Lewis Capaldi “Tough”, “Grace”, “Mercy” and “Let It Roll”, Harry Styles “Falling”, 5 Seconds of Summer and Julia Michaels, “Lie To Me”_ **


	4. {MC} (Villa Flashback, Day 18)

###  **_4\. {MC} (Villa Flashback, Day 18)_ **

**_You ain’t gotta make it easy. Where you been sleeping? This shit is keeping me up at night. Just admit it. Who do you love, do you love now? I wanna know, I wanna know who._ **

It was the morning of Day 18 and I was still stung that Bobby did not ask me to share a bed with him last night despite the fact that he explained himself first, what with us both being single and having been apart for the past three miserable days. He flirted with me all night long and even pulled me aside for a private conversation about coupling up again, only to choose Lottie to share a bed with. During our conversation he mentioned keeping things on the down-low for the sake of everyone else, but I could not understand that logic at all. “But why though?” I asked. “It’s not like everyone hasn’t seen us together from the beginning. It’s not like the entire Villa, not to mention the world, doesn’t know that we…” I trailed off, feeling a little too awkward to finish bringing _that_ up, what with the way the conversation had been going thus far. “We’re both single right now, it’s not like we’re stepping on anyone’s toes. And who knows how long that will last. If there was ever a perfect time, it’s now.”

Bobby still wasn’t having any of it though, for whatever reason. As perfect as the man was he was just as complex sometimes and I still could not figure him out. I knew… I knew he had a gameplan from the start like me, but I also knew he had genuine feelings for me. But I was starting to think he did not know where to draw the line between the two, unlike me.

“I just…” He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, we just don’t know what’s going to happen at the next recoupling. Especially after all this insanity that’s been going down. So say we get close again and then the next recoupling threw another loop and we couldn’t even couple up with each other. I just don’t want us both to end up hurt and sad again if the worst case scenario happens, and as much as I want you in my bed right now and it would be fine to everyone else with us both being single, I think it’s safer to keep a distance between us for now. I’m just thinking about my heart, you know? And yours too.” Although I hated that I understood, I hated that it made perfect sense when he put it that way, as much as I would have taken the one night with him and dealt with the heartbreak later if I got stolen away from him again. I understood, but I still wasn’t exactly okay with it. 

Especially not when he asked fellow single Lottie to share his bed at the end of the night right in front of my face and they talked about rubbing essential oils on each other’s backs and her being the big spoon. _Are you_ fucking _kidding me?!_ was all I could think as I watched the exchange go down as if I were just a ghost that didn’t exist. So much for keeping things on the down-low, if he was going to be like _that_ with a girl he was supposedly just friends with right in front of the girl he supposedly had feelings for. And I got stuck sharing a bed with Gary, who I considered to be one of my best mates of all time, but that’s where our connection ended, so it wasn’t exactly a snuggle fest. Why why why? Everyone knew that Bobby and I had been a thing from the beginning, and everyone also knew that Lottie and Gary had a thing for each other, so how did this make any sense at all in the end irregardless of Bobby’s skewed logic about it? 

When I woke up in the morning, I felt like I had to get to the bottom of it so that I could progress forward, so that _we_ could eventually progress forward. Not the bottom of the bed thing and last night, particularly, but just why he acted the way he did in general--hot, on fire sometimes, then cool as ice the next second--whether or not he still liked me or if he had decided after Casa Amor that he wanted someone else, and if he did still like me, I wanted to know if he was just acting this way because he was scared, and ask him why he couldn’t see that I was crazy about him. Every single boy in the Villa was into me, we both knew that, but he was the only one I would choose every time, and I thought he already knew that too, but apparently not.

I had just woken up and Bobby and I were in the beds next to each other, on the sides facing each other. He smiled at me and he was saying Lottie decided not to share with him after he showed her his starfish impression, and the best thing about being single is being able to stretch out as wide as you can.

“I’d rather have someone to share with,” I said pointedly, glaring daggers at him, but it was too early and he was being too… _him_ to even notice. “I’m glad you can see the bright side, but that doesn’t help me feel any better.”

“Well, maybe you’re not spreading out wide enough,” he joked.

“Heh, maybe,” I said mirthlessly, but he still didn’t notice my sour attitude.

Bobby smiled at me through another yawn. It was adorable but I frowned because I still could not figure out what in the world was going through his head. I got up from my bed and perched on the edge of his bed right next to him. “Fancy a quick chat outside?”

He mock pouted. “But we haven’t even had breakfast yet!”

“So, who knows when we might get another chance today?” I replied, not having it. “With the way things have been going, and I’m sure this will be another eventful day what with all the drama from the switch-ups… I just want to talk about something.”

He shrugged and got up. “If you insist.” He went to get dressed and I finished dressing first, so I waited for him in the lounge and when he got down we made our way to the fire pit.

We started off talking about nothing. Nothing serious anyway. Last night at the party he briefly mentioned getting into it with Henrik for stealing me right after the girls left for CA, but he didn’t elaborate and I wanted the full details of everything. But he was just chatting about baked goods now and the first thing he would make if he had his own bakery. I enjoyed his chit-chat, but I was getting tired of not having a serious conversation; I was being as patient and reassuring as I could with him every step of the way, affirming him every time he made a comment cutting himself down by implying I was way out of his league, or every dig he made about his appearance compared to the other guys. So what if he wasn’t super ripped? I preferred his subtly toned lithe body compared to the chiseled rock hard bodies of the other guys here, and his angelic face was just a whole other story. I had never seen a face like his in all my life. He changed the subject every single time thus far that I tried to get him to open up, but I knew I would eventually have to start pressing harder if our relationship was ever become something more. Now seemed as good a time to try as any. 

He had told me in the early days that he had been burned in the past so loyalty was a must, but he never said anything else about it after that. I could see the hurt in his eyes any time he thought he was going to lose me, perhaps even just from being too far in over his head and afraid of what that might mean—although I couldn’t say that latter part for sure. It was entirely possible he had decided he only cared about me as a friend while we were apart, and I wanted--no, _needed_ \--to know the story behind his pain if we were ever at any point going to be in a real relationship so I could show him how great things could be if he would just let go of the past. He never got jealous of other guys grafting on me, at least he never outwardly acted jealous—in fact he got quite turned on by the fact that I always chose him over them in the end. But I could tell sometimes it hurt him when he was afraid I would like one of them better, even if he tried not to let on in the way he acted. Like when he suggested Operation Nope and I said I would rather not participate, and then he later admitted that he never should have asked in the first place because he didn’t know what he would have done if I had grafted on Noah and then decided that Noah was the one for me after all.

For some reason, despite the fact that he made it seem like he was just doing this for the good of the group, to me it seemed like he was still just pushing me away. As if I _hadn’t_ spent the whole time at CA confessing my undying loyalty to him (not that he would know that, but surely he had talked to Lottie or Chelsea about it), as if we _hadn’t_ fooled around on night 9 in the Hideaway and the morning after in the shower, and then fucked twice, on nights 11 and 12, right before the disaster recoupling—not that I was keeping track, but honestly, I was keeping track because I really liked him (and because now he was acting like that had never happened) and he was the only guy I had even kissed outside of challenges the whole time here, let alone fucked—or as if I always just hit on every new boy that walked in; no one else had even been able to catch my eye after I met him, and I hadn’t exactly made it a secret, but he was so wounded and his self-esteem so low he never seemed to believe I could actually be _that_ into him. He always asked why I would choose him out of all the guys here after the recouplings where we got to couple up. I knew that Islanders or Production (or both, I knew Production was always stirring the pot by pitting the Islanders against each other) had been filling his head with nonsense and drama the day of the disaster recoupling and he still appeared unsure about whether or not I was into him, even after I walked to him first when Henrik picked me and told him we would be together again, even after I came to _his_ bed and no one else’s on the morning the girls left for CA, and even though we had been flirting with each other unrelentlessly last night. He had explained himself last night about not wanting to start caring too much again and just for something else happen to tear us away from each other, but in my mind that was not a good enough excuse for why he seemed hesitant to even start things up again.

I was lying stretched out and he was sitting next to me, just enough space so that my head barely avoided touching his leg. “So look, I feel really bad about last night,” he said suddenly. “The real reason I ended up sleeping alone is because I was being stupid and I felt guilty that I even asked Lottie in the first place, so she was a good friend and slept outside. That’s why I even brought it up first thing, so you would know. I didn’t want you to think...” 

Wow. So _that_ was why he made it a point of having the whole ‘sleeping alone so you can starfish is the best’ conversation this morning. Now I understood. “It’s okay,” I interrupted. “Thank you for saying so though.” I paused for a moment. “I want to talk about something else though,” I said finally. “I know you’ve been trying to avoid it…” I propped myself up on my elbows to look him in the eyes. He suddenly looked a little freaked out. “But I feel like I need to know. Just to clear some things up for myself. So tell me about her,” I said that last part nonchalantly.

Bobby let out a nervous laugh, not meeting my eyes. “Her who? I’m single, silly.” He looked like he was about to say something else but he didn’t.

I sighed. “You know damn well I’m not talking about anyone here in the Villa, Bobby. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But I’m not naive; I know a kindred spirit when I see one. All the signs are there. I can tell you’ve had your heart broken, and badly. I mean, you told me as much in the beginning, but I can see just how deep it goes because I’m exactly there right now too. You’re guarded, but you try to cover it with jokes so you seem open. It works to an extent, but I can still see the pain in your eyes even if everyone else misses it. You’re hesitant, because you’re scared of getting hurt again. You don’t want to open up to anyone again because you’re afraid the risk isn’t worth the reward. So you just don’t let anyone get close enough to try; that’s why you always keep girls in the friend zone. But in case you haven’t noticed, I’m exactly the same way. Does that sound about right to you?”

He just looked me in the eyes instead of replying, the pain and heartache swirling in his telling me everything I already knew.

“Okay, I’ll go first. I told you the first week I wasn’t sure if I was here to find love but I was just here to have a good time. But that was only half-true. Or maybe not even true at all. Right before I came in here—like not even a month before—I just got out of a long-term relationship of 3 years. My cousin Katie convinced me to come here, and I told her she was insane and there was no way I was in any sort of headspace for another relationship yet. She told me to just have fun with it and trust my heart along the way, but if anything just play to win. So at first…” I looked at him and then sighed again. So I was about to admit the secret he knew I had been keeping from him; I was about to reveal my strategic secret. “Well, I guess it’s about time I let you in on my game plan even though you still haven’t shared yours.” Finally a little excitement lit his eyes because he had been waiting for this moment since Operation Nope, when I revealed that I was playing a game too. “I was just here to play a game and win all the money. My endgame was to find the most gullible boy in the Villa and string him along convincingly so I could get the money. I had this big master plan. But… then I met you. I knew my plan had been blasted to hell almost right away. The only reason I didn’t couple up with you that first day because you were the only guy I genuinely liked and I also knew for a fact that you wouldn’t be so gullible. But since then I’ve been trying to follow my cousin’s advice about following my heart, even though it’s definitely the more difficult option.” 

**_Found cigarettes in your Fendi coat, even though you don’t even smoke. Always changing your access codes. Yeah, I can tell you no one knew._ **

He looked contemplative but let me continue. “Anyway, this asshole who shall not be named was my best friend for about two years first, so I trusted him more than anything. We told each other everything—at least that’s what I thought anyway. Looking back I can kind of see it was mostly one-sided, I never really knew too much about him. He knew my darkest secrets that no one else in the world knows, and this was even before we started dating. He was older than me and kept stringing me along for two years saying we couldn’t be together until I graduated because he didn’t want to lose his job over it, but then he would say he loved me so much and all these other things and it was so confusing. I was naive, I trusted him as a friend, and I trusted that he was telling the truth. I thought I was so in love with him, and the whole time we were friends I was pining away over him until we could be together. I upended my whole life for him, having no social life just so I could graduate a year early and going to the university he went to after I graduated instead of the one I really wanted to go to just so I could live on campus where he lived too. That was the biggest mistake of all, let me tell you… But anyway, that part’s another story for another day, it doesn’t really matter.

“We were dating for three years at this point. I was doing some charity work for a shelter for about a week in the States. When I came back… Let’s just say I found out from a friend—not even through a text or anything from him—who ran into him at a McDonald’s the night before I came back that he was moving away that very day. Not a word to me before or after. When I tried to call or text him there was no answer. He just completely ghosted me. 

“I saw him on his Facebook in another city”—I was about to say _on his Facebook back in Scotland_ but stopped myself at the last second when I remembered Bobby himself is from Glasgow, not wanting him to think I had some weird fetish thing for only Scottish guys or something—“already with another girl. This was like, not even a week later. Apparently they had been talking for a long while behind my back. Irony is they got married within about a month of running off to be together and they’re already divorced. But I haven’t been able to truly get close to anyone since. I’m just too skeptical of everyone’s motives now.”

**_Who do you love, do you love now? I know it’s someone new._ **

Bobby still didn’t say anything, which was very uncharacteristic of him. He just kept looking at me intently. So I continued, “But anyway, I still wonder ‘why?’ all the damn time. Is there something wrong with me? Because I’ve seen that girl, and I don’t mean to sound conceited, but she’s definitely got _nothing_ on me when it comes to looks. And I like to think I have a great personality… for the most part. So what’s wrong with me as a person if my looks weren’t enough? Why wasn’t I good enough? How can someone just take so many years of companionship and memories and trust and just throw it all away like it was nothing, like it never even happened? How can someone know every single part of you and then become a complete stranger just like that? Why didn’t I even deserve the courtesy of a phone call or text to say he was leaving? That makes it really hard to trust someone you barely know, especially in a situation like this, let alone being able to open up to anyone for fear they’re just playing the game and don’t really care about you.” _Or the Producers will catch on and spin it however the fuck they want_ , I thought but didn’t say.

Bobby still did not say anything, but he looked almost pale. “I take it you’ve been through something similar?” I asked softly. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I just wanted you to know where I was coming into this, and where I’m at now.”

**_Yeah, you’ve been acting so conspicuous. You flip it on me, say I think too much. You’re moving different when we’re making love. So baby tell me, tell me..._ **

“No, I do want to talk about it with you… it’s just not something I’ve really told anyone. I haven’t been in a relationship that long-term. Two years for me. There were just all these little signs for about six months toward the end that I tried to ignore… She started logging out of all of her accounts when she always left them up before. She would just brush everything I brought up off, say I just overthink everything and it was nothing. But she could never look me in the eye anymore. I found little post it notes in her coat pockets and gym bag with cute little messages and drawings that she tried to say were from her girlfriends, but I never bought that even though I could never bring myself to call her out on it. And one time I found cigarettes in her coat even though she didn’t even smoke. She would always say they were just a coworker’s who just happened to need to her to hold on to them, which was suspicious, but what could I say? I didn’t have real proof she was lying. There were just all these excuses immediately at the ready, too convenient. Then she stopped coming in at night and she would tell me ‘oh, I’m staying with X tonight’ and then the next day the whole story of where she had been would change; she stopped being able to keep the lies straight. Finally she admitted she had been seeing multiple other people that whole time.”

**_Keep switching your alibi, or stuttering when you reply. You can’t even look me in the eye. I can tell, I know you’re lyin’._ **

“I can’t say it was a surprise. I don’t know what it was, I cared about her, but I don’t know that I was ever in love with her. But that doesn’t make it any less painful when you’re fully committed to someone and they completely break your trust. I would never do that to someone I was committed to, and it is just shocking that there are people out there that do.” He laughed mirthlessly, running a hand through his locs. “It definitely knocked my confidence down by like… a lot. I have a bad habit of falling too hard too fast when I am able to see a girl as more than a friend so I just… don’t let anyone in anymore.” Well, now. _This_ was the clarity I had been needing. Now every single one of his actions was finally starting to make utter and complete sense.

I sat up straight finally, looking him in the eyes. “Can I say something? I know it might not help at all but… that girl is a fucking _idiot_ . You’re a real prize and if she couldn’t see that that’s definitely her loss. She’s never gonna find anyone out there better than you. I know you can tell yourself that over and over and it still doesn’t make a difference when your self-esteem’s been shot like that but… You shouldn’t let one idiot affect the rest of your life. _Some_ of us can recognize a catch when we have one.” I winked at him and saw that adorable tinge of red that drove me crazy creep into his cheeks. “The moment I met you I knew you were something special. I don’t want to freak you out but… I really care about you, Bobby. I don’t care if you just want to be friends, but either way, I just want you to know that I’m not going to hurt you. I came here to play a game and then I met you and… and I’m not here playing games anymore. I’m not playing with your heart just so I can win the money. I’m not going to break your heart… even if you break mine. I’m past the point of caring about that anymore or keeping my walls up. I would never ever hurt you, I care about you way too much. I know you’re here to play the game, and that’s fine, I get it. But I want you to know I would never do anything like that to you. And this is a tricky situation in here, but there’s no chance of me getting my head turned, and even if there was I would at least let you know about it first, but there’s not so don’t worry. I really like you and I don’t know why that’s so hard for you to comprehend. I mean, I do kind of get it in a way, but like, I haven’t exactly been subtle about it sooo...” 

**_Who do you love, do love now? I wanna know the truth._ **

He just stared at me for a minute and then he finally smiled. “Well, that’s good to know. Just for future reference.” I playfully poked him lightly in the side and he laughed, the seriousness of the conversation evaporating. “Where did you come from?” he asked then quietly.

I laughed. “Well, I’m from Central London, I currently reside in Camden Town…”

“No, I mean, like… I’ve just never met anyone like you. Ever. It’s like you’re an angel that just fell out of the sky and into my life one day.”

I laughed again. “Well, let’s hope that’s a good thing.”

He brushed a strand of hair off my forehead, his fingertips lingering on my skin. “Oh, it definitely is.” 

“Are you sure about that? Aren’t fallen angels like evil or they turn into demons after they fall or something?”

He laughed, the sound melodic and lilting. The smile stayed plastered on his face, and he quirked an eyebrow. “Well, let’s find out if you’re one of the evil ones. So let’s go back to something you said for a minute. I’m just too curious…”

 _Fuck._ I already knew exactly what he was getting at. “What?” I asked innocently.

“So... just how thought out was this game plan of yours? Like, if I wasn’t your… let’s say ‘alleged target’, then who was?”

I sighed for the umpteenth time, this one more for dramatics than anything. “That’s classified information. I can’t divulge that. This is a top secret mission we’re talking about,” I bantered.

“You already told me about your master plan more than once if I recall correctly, so... it’s not like it’s that classified anymore,” Bobby retorted jokingly.

“Fine, I’ll tell you. But you have to swear not to tell a single soul.” He made a gesture crossing his heart and I breathed in deeply. “Okay, well, I mean you’re good mates with all these guys so it isn’t easy to admit all this. It doesn’t exactly make me look good for thinking this way about them, does it? But prime target B was…” I paused, not wanting to say it. “Ibrahim. I’ve always known he has a little thing for me, and he seems like he would be super easy to manipulate compared to anyone else.” I stop. “Jesus, not exactly making myself look like a good person, am I? Secondary target was Gary. But that was like, Plan C if all else failed. Anyway, Gary seems the type who would do anything you say if you dangle sex in front of him.” Bobby just raised both eyebrows. “I’m just saying that’s how he comes across, but I don’t know for sure. I never tested that theory.” I couldn’t read the look on his face but it was not a good one at the moment. “I don’t go around shagging just anyone,” I added, feeling like I had to. “I have to know for sure that I care about them and have strong feelings for them, so that’s definitely not very often.” I looked at him and now he was just staring at me fixedly. I hoped I got the point across well enough that I had only had sex with _him_. “So anyway, yeah, that was like the last last resort.”

“So then... if Gary was Plan C and Rahim Plan B, what was Plan A?”

I just looked at him incredulously. “Plan A _is_ you actually liking me back as much as I like you, silly.” I bumped his arm playfully with mine. “When we got to Casa I thought there were a few good target prospects if everything continued going to hell like it was. Well, at least that’s what I thought initially. But then every single one of those boys aside from the two that made it back here were insane. Literally psycho. I’m talking, I could say in the bitchiest voice possible, ‘Leave me the fuck alone’ ten times, and five minutes later they’d be grovelling at my feet asking if I had changed my mind about bringing them back to the Villa. Like, no, you’re just making it worse, that’s definitely not the way to act in _any_ situation. Every time I said there was no way in hell I was changing my mind the unwarranted persistence just got ten times worse even if I didn’t even so much as _look_ at one of them.” I shuddered. “There was no way in hell I would have brought any of them back here ever, even if I didn’t have feelings for…” I stopped myself and avoided his eyes. “Anyway, I’m so glad to be out of there and back with you normal sane guys, that’s for sure.”

We knew we had to get back to the others ASAP but we still chatted lightly for a few more minutes, laughing and enjoying ourselves. I felt like things might actually turn out okay now.

**_*lyrics in chapter © 5 Seconds of Summer and The Chainsmokers “Who Do You Love?”_ **


	5. {MC}

###  **_5\. {MC}_ **

**_It’s 3AM and the moonlight’s testing me. I know that you’ve been holding on to someone else, and now I can’t sleep._ **

Moonlight pours in through the windows, keeping me awake. That is definitely not the only thing keeping me awake, though. I look over at the clock beside my bed. It is 3AM. It has been three and a half hours since I saw Bobby in the club, two hours since Lucas left, and an hour and a half since I first tried to get to sleep. I grab the glass of water from my nightstand and take a large swig. I have not been able to sleep for even a minute, tossing and turning. I do not know why I even bother trying. All I can see is some other girl in Bobby’s arms as they sleep.  _ What color hair does that girl that answered his phone have? _ I wonder.  _ What color eyes does she have? Does Bobby love her? Does he love her more than he used to love me? Is he holding her right now? _

**_I ain’t happy, no. I ain’t too happy._ **

I am miserable. I have tried not to even admit it to myself, but it is true. I put a pillow over my head and scream into it as hard as I can. I have realized that I will probably never be happy again, that I will never be over him, that I will always feel like half of my soul is missing without him.

**_Flashing back to New York City, I was done, but you undid me. Classic me to run when it feels right._ **

My mind flashes back to New York City a little over three months ago, just before everything ended. I was there as the face of my charity for their biggest event yet, and Bobby was there by my side. He was supposed to leave after three days to get back to his bakery, and I was staying to take in the city for two more.

I can’t even fathom it now, but looking back I know that at that point I was already done, the distance was so wide. It didn’t really matter that he was coming to support me even for the three days; he was going right back to work, not even staying the additional two days that were for leisure which would have given us the time together that we were so severely lacking. I knew it was _mostly_ my fault, that I could have taken more time off to spend time with him many times, but then again, it was a two way street, and he was all in on his bakery, a workaholic just like me. I had expected nothing less when he first opened it, but it was exhausting trying to keep up with a relationship when both people were too busy for each other. He would call and I would be in a meeting and not answer and forget to call him back until the next day. I would call back the next day and he wouldn’t answer, busy baking for customers and catering events. He would text me back shortly like _hey, call you when I can. I love you._ He would try to facetime and I would be going over paperwork or actively helping in a shelter, so there would just be a small text conversation as if we were just friends catching up after a long time. The facetime calls were down to a few a week and regular phone calls even less frequent. And this was way after all of the Love Island interviews and photoshoots mostly ended--because the public moved on to the next season--which also took a big chunk of time, but at least we were always together for those.

**_Was never the right time whenever you called. Went little by little by little until there was nothing at all._ **

My newfound fame had landed me a promotion because everyone knew my face and it was the best kind of publicity for getting animals adopted. We spent time together when it benefitted both of our careers: Bobby’s bakery would cater any fundraisers my charity held in London which was also great for his business, but even then we barely saw each other at these events, him in the kitchen and me walking around socializing with everyone. It was rare that anyone there even knew we were a couple just from the look of things, unless they’d watched the show of course.

**_If me and you are living in the same place, why do we feel alone? Feel alone? A house that’s full of everything we wanted. But it’s an empty home. Empty home._ **

We lived together, but it was never really like we did. I was rarely at home, travelling constantly, and the times I was at home he was busy at the bakery or out catering events; on the nights I was in town, I would not get home until the early AM hours and I wouldn’t wake Bobby just to spend time together because he would have to be up at 5AM to go into his bakery. I was basically just crashing there for the night until the next flight out or the next morning meeting.

So when the time came and I suggested that Bobby stay with me the full five days and have a fun chill trip where we could just be together and not worry about work or anything else but he said no, he had to get back to baking his cakes, I was just done. I had no fight or will left inside. I knew I needed to take a break and spend time with him, and I was planning to do that when I got back to the UK, but he wouldn’t do the same now for me? “Fine,” I said curtly. “I’ll see you in three days then.” And that was that.

But the morning of his flight back to London, I woke up extra early so I could see him off. I walked into the hotel room kitchen and he was on the phone. Bobby grinned and hung up, his eyes sparkling. “I changed my flight, Lass. I’m all yours for the next two days.”

I ran into his arms and held him tight. For the first time in a while I felt like things would be okay, that we could make this work. “There’s so much to do and see here! Where do we start?” I thought this was the perfect thing for a fresh start, I thought it would be just what we both needed to get our relationship back in the right place.

**_Why can’t we choose our emotion? ‘Cause we could feel something’s broken. And I can’t stay without hoping we’ll never be alone._ **

But reality hit like a brick when I got back to London from NYC and the charity asked me directly after to move to Los Angeles and head the operations there. As soon as that conversation went down I walked into Bobbycakes and shoved my way into the kitchen, that dumb employee at the front counter protesting be damned. I didn’t want to mention it right away, but I knew that would upset him more, and especially if I didn’t even make the time to tell him in person.

Bobby was just pulling a cake out of the oven along with a tray of cupcakes. He grinned when he saw me, his eyes lighting up. “Hey, Lass. To what do I owe the pleasure?” I spent a lot of time there when he first opened, between all the interviews about his new venture, watching him do what he was best at for hours in the kitchen, before my job got so absurdly crazy. I had not been by in longer than I liked to admit. I was not going to mention anything about moving now, not when he looked so happy just to see me here. I should have made it a point to drop in more often so it wouldn’t seem like now I was only there because I wanted something or had bad news.

**_Our every moment I start to replace. ‘Cause now that they’re gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say._ **

“Let’s go on a holiday,” I said quickly, avoiding the real subject. “A big massive vacation somewhere tropical. We could even go back to Majorca and actually enjoy the place this time. Maybe they would even let us use the Villa.”

Any time I brought up something like this his response was always the same: “It’s not worth it; it’s over too quickly.”

This time he asked, “Can we talk about this later?” instead of giving his usual response. “I’ve got to get these out, one of my most loyal customers is waiting on them.”

I sighed. It wasn’t just him; every conversation that either of us tried to have with the other lately was  _ later, later, later _ . “I want to talk about it now. If we don’t, ‘later’ won’t come. You know that as well as I do.”

Bobby wiped his hands on his apron and gave me his full attention. “Okay, then. What’s brought this on?”

“I… I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You just said you wanted to talk about it now.”

“I know, but… That part is a conversation for another time.”

**_Our every moment, I start to replay. But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face._ **

Bobby knew me too well and he could read something in my face. He came up to me and put both hands on my shoulders, then tilted my chin up with a finger, forcing me to look him in the eyes instead of at his chest. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“I...I just… I mean, it’s not for sure yet but. I’ve been offered a job in Los Angeles. Head of operations.”

I saw a million different things flash across his face, but I couldn’t define any of them. “So… you’re just going to move to LA? And you’re just now telling me?”

“I never said I’m moving to LA,” I said exasperatedly. “I just said they’ve offered me the job, I haven’t given them an answer yet. And yes, I’m just now telling you because I just found out myself. I came straight here.” I paused and thought for a second. “No. I’m not moving out of the country. That would just be crazy, right?”

Bobby just frowned. It was more than that though; I couldn’t quite read his mind, but the look in his eyes and the sadness in his face told me he wasn’t thinking about anything good. “It’s a big decision. You shouldn’t rush it.” He turned back around to the counter to work on the cake. When it came to other people’s drama he was all about it, but when it came to something between us he never wanted to confront it head on.

“There is no ‘decision’. If you tell me you don’t want me to do it, I won’t do it. End of story.” For someone who was so hellbent on fixing every single thing in the Villa, he sure didn’t seem keen on trying to fix things now. I was fully prepared to tell the charity absolutely not, I was staying on in my position here if that’s what it took to make him happy.

**_Well, time can heal but this won’t. So, before you go, was there something I could’ve said to make your heart beat better?_ **

Bobby sighed and turned back around to me. “I’m so exhausted, Ainsley. I’m so tired of things being like this and just acting like it’s all fine. I just...I can’t live like this anymore. If you want to go, go. If you want to stay, stay. I’m not going to tell you what to do, period, and I’m certainly not going to say don’t move if that’s what you really want.”

“What are you even saying right now?!” I tried to keep my voice down. “I just want you. If you want to stay here, fine, I’ll stay here. If you would move to LA with me…”

**_And all the things that we dreamed about, they don’t mean what they did before. I just wanna get back to us ‘cause we used to have more._ **

“I’m not moving to Los Angeles,” he said adamantly.

“Okay. It’s settled then. I’ll stay here.”

“Even when you’re here you’re never here!” he said, the exasperated one now. “What am I supposed to say? I’m not happy, not with things like this. I wouldn’t be happy regardless, whether you stayed or left. It’s just going to be the same.”

It felt like all the blood drained out of my body. “What  _ would _ make you happy, Bobby? How can I fix this? Should I go put in my resignation right now, is that what it would take?”

“I would never ask you to do that,” he replied sadly.

“You  _ didn’t _ ask me! I offered,” I said. “And I’m serious. If that’s what it takes, that’s what I’ll do.”

“Let’s talk about this tonight,” he said. “I’ll see you at home, yeah?” He started to turn back around to the counter.

“No, don’t walk away right now. Look me in the eyes and tell me how to fix this.” I felt hopeless. “I love you. I’ll do whatever it takes. We can go on a massive holiday, just us, have some fun and work things out.”

**_Well, I know that we’ve been hardly holding on. To tell the truth, I can’t believe we got this far._ **

He looked deep into my blue eyes, his hazel eyes blazing and sad. “I love you more than anything. But I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t think a holiday is the answer either. Once it’s over things will just go back to being exactly how they are now. And would  _ you  _ be happy if you quit your job?”

“I don’t know. But that doesn’t even matter. I won’t be happy if I’m not with you!”

“Are you happy now?” he asked quietly.

“That’s not… No, I’m not happy. But it’s not because of you. I’m just exhausted too because I can’t stand the way things are between us right now. But I want to make it better. Let’s just work on that and we can figure out the rest later.”

**_‘Cause lately we’ve been living in different nations. Enemy lines are drawn, lines are drawn. We’re speaking different tongues, communicating right through the bedroom wall._ **

He didn’t respond. He didn’t even look at me. He was staring over my head and at the wall behind me. “What can I do?” I whispered. This would be the absolute worst reason for things to end, and I wouldn’t stand for it. “I’m taking some time off,” I said eventually when he continued to stay silent.

“I just need some time to think,” Bobby finally replied. He kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll see you tonight.”

**_Then only for a minute, I want to change my mind ‘cause this just don’t feel right to me. I want to raise your spirits, I want to see you smile. But know that means I’ll have to leave._ **

I got angry then. It was something I always tried to work on, but I still had a short temper. He had seen that side of me in the Villa many times and he still loved me even so. Now was not the time to let it come out, but I could not stop myself. “Maybe you won’t see me tonight. Maybe you’re right. Maybe we both just need some time. To think. Apart.” I felt something wet on my cheek and realized I was already crying.

**_And as we fall time is frozen. I know we break, but we’re not broken._ **

“What are  _ you  _ saying now?” he asked roughly. I hated seeing him upset and hurt more than anything. My heart was breaking in a million different ways simultaneously. I didn’t want to lose him, I didn’t want to make him sad, but he just said he was already not happy and I had no idea if we were even still good for each other anymore and I just really wanted him to be happy.

**_Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier. Even though I might not like this I think that you’ll be happier, I want you to be happier._ **

“You need time to think. So do I. So I guess maybe we should just take a break,” I said, my heart breaking more with every word.

“Is that what you really want?” he asked.

I threw my hands up. “No! Of course not! I love you! But like you said, we can’t just keep living like this. And you’re not giving me anything here. I’m trying, I’m really trying, and you won’t even talk to me about it for five minutes. Things are just different here in the real world. They always will be. That was always the real test, the real challenge, right? And apparently we’ve failed big time. Maybe I do need some time and space to figure everything out.” 

**_Is it easier to stay? Is it easier to go? I don’t wanna know. But I know that I’m never ever gonna change, and you know that you’re always gonna stay the same._ **

“Okay. So we’re doing this, then. We’re breaking up.”

“If you think that’s best,” I said sadly.

He threw his hands up now. “ _ You  _ just said that. I’m not doing this again, we’re just going around in circles. You said what you said and then I just paraphrased it into what you actually meant.”

“So this is it, then.”

“All good things end. Nothing is ever really permanent.” I got chills; I had heard him say these words before. On our last date at the Villa, the perfect night in the gazebo on the sea, the night he asked me to be his girlfriend. “No matter how much we want it to be. Goodbye, Ainsley. I hope you find whatever it is you’re still looking for.” Bobby turned his back to me once and for all.

**_Can’t help but wondering if this is the last time that I’ll see your face. Is it tears or just the fucking rain? Wish I could say something. Something that doesn’t sound insane…_ **

I put my hand over my mouth and ran out, tears flowing silently down my face. 

Of  _ course  _ it was pouring rain outside now. I didn’t care. I ran out into the rain and turned my face up to the sky, letting the water mix with the tears streaming down my face until I had no idea which was which anymore. 

_ Just go back in there and say you’re sorry…  _ But I didn’t. To this day I have no idea why I didn’t.

**_No matter where I go I’m always gonna want you back. No matter how long you’re gone I’m always gonna want you back. I know you know I will never get over you._ **

I stare at my phone in my hand. I am well sober now; in the club bathroom I had practically drunk dialed him, but this time if I did it, it would be a completely conscious decision. Well, mostly, because I am at the end of being stoned, but it was nothing like being drunk and out of my head. A conscious decision I had not had the balls to make before now. But the moonlight seems to give me a surge of confidence. So I go to my recent calls and I tap the top number.

**_You gotta give me something, I swear that I won’t try to change your mind. If you’re leaving my love behind baby, say the word and let me know._ **

**_*lyrics in chapter © 5 Seconds of Summer and Julia Michaels “Lie To Me”, 5SOS “Easier”, “Amnesia”, “More”, and “Want You Back”, Lewis Capaldi “Before You Go”, “Leaving My Love Behind” and “Fade”, (and a little extra this time: Marshmello and Bastille “Happier”)._ **


	6. {Bobby}

###  **_6\. {Bobby}_ **

**_It’s 3AM and the moonlight’s testing me. If I can make it till dawn then it won’t be hard to see I ain’t happy, no._ **

Bobby keeps tossing and turning and finally he gives up and turns on the lamp on the nightstand beside him. He picks up his phone and looks at the time: 3AM. He has to be up in two hours. He tries to blame the blasted bright moonlight for keeping him up, but he knows that is not it. All he has been thinking all night is that he should just pick up his phone and go to the missed calls and tap on the top number. And now his phone is here, in his hand. He shakes his head to try and get the thought out of his mind yet again, but he’s been trying that all night.

**_The pictures that you sent me, they’re still living in my phone. I’ll admit I like to see them, I’ll admit I feel alone._ **

Bobby opens the photos on his phone and stares at them. There are so many of Ainsley on the majority of the camera roll and they are all so haunting, yet he still looks at them sometimes. He finally selects his favorite photo she has ever sent him, from Day 1 in the Villa, from the first day they ever met. She coupled up with Ibrahim at the time, but she still chose Bobby as the hottest Islander. She is making a goofy face, puffing her cheeks out and crossing her eyes, but she angled herself just so that her cleavage was on full display at the bottom of the photo, turning it from silly to sexy at second glance. The first photo she had ever sent him, making him the Islander she thought was the fittest, and making it purposefully sexy but in a way that only the person who received the selfie would see. And she chose him to receive it. He had stared at that picture a lot in the Villa—keeping it on his phone whether or not it was allowed—especially when Ainsley went away to Casa Amor. Bobby hits the lock button, making the phone’s screen go black.

**_Every night since you cut and run I feel like the only one who’s ever been the lonely one. Trying to mend a heart that keeps breaking with every step that you’re taking._ **

He came home that night after their breakup at the bakery and she was not there; all of her clothes were missing out of the closet and drawers, all of her makeup, and her laptops--everything else was exactly the same. She left so fast she only took what she really needed, plus one framed photo of the two of them from the night they won Love Island, their winning couple selfie, the two of them staring into each other’s eyes and grinning so widely at each other as if they were the only two people in the world. All of the other photos of them remained around the apartment. 

The last time he saw that number on his phone was a day after the breakup. After a couple of calls that he screened, finally there was just a simple text: _I’m so sorry. I love you._

**_I’m just an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry._ **

He had already deleted her number that first night, so it was just a few calls and a text from a seemingly random number. _Don’t try to contact me again_ , he had written back, sealing the deal. _I’m not ready to talk to you yet._ He didn’t sleep at all that night, or any of the nights that followed to be honest.

**_‘Cause you’ve been running circles ‘round my mind, turning me inside out. And I fell for you but hit the ground, ‘cause the only love I’ve known has let me down and I need lifting up. Now you ain’t here, I’m sleeping rough. And I’m praying I can pray enough, so waking up without you ain’t so tough._ **

Bobby went around directly after hitting send on that final text and took down all the pictures of them--save for one that he left on the nightstand beside the bed, but he turned it over so he wouldn’t have to look at it unless he really wanted to--throwing them all in a cardboard box along with other little trinkets of hers he found around, lipsticks and jewelry and shoes, but he found it too heartwrenching and exhausting to go through and clean out every single reminder of her; it was hard seeing reminders of her all around the home, but then, even without anything of hers around it would have been exactly the same, every square foot of the flat bringing back some happy stinging memory. So he left everything as it was, putting the things he had put in the box back where he found them, hoping against hope that this would not be permanent and electing keeping her things around as the lesser of the two demons. Her toothbrush was still in the holder next to his, her shower gel and shampoo in the shower. He had no idea why he really couldn’t bring himself to get rid of the stuff. It just felt so wrong whenever he tried.

**_Here I am waking up, still can’t sleep on your side. There’s your coffee cup, the lipstick stain fades with time… So I drown it out like I always do, dancing through our house with the ghost of you. And I chase it down with a shot of truth, that my feet don’t dance like they did with you._ **

He couldn’t get rid of her ghost no matter what he did, so in the end he didn’t even try, throwing himself into baking instead and only going to the flat for sleeping. He had spent a few weeks in Glasgow right after, helping out his friends at the hospital kitchen he worked at before he went on Love Island and staying with his family.

**_Don’t call me “baby” again, you’ve got your reasons. Don’t call me “baby” again, it’s hard for me to go home, to be so lonely._ **

He had no idea what would happen after he sent her that text, but she respected his space and didn’t try contacting him again. He almost reached out a million times but always stopped himself short, telling himself he would wait for her to make the first move, but she never did. He told her not to talk to him, what did he really expect she would do? She was a woman that always went after what she wanted, but she was respectful more than anything.

**_I, I just miss, I just miss your accent and your friends. Did you know I still talk to them?_ **

He still spoke to Chelsea about her, because he cared and all he wanted was for Ainsley to be happy, and he knew how close she still was to Chelsea. Those conversations pretty much always went the same; they didn’t speak too often, but Chelsea always made a point to call when Ainsley was at her very worst, probably in hopes that Bobby would reach out and try to make her feel better, but no matter how bad he wanted to he knew that he couldn’t because if he saw her or talked to her again… that would be it. There would be no going back. Neither one of them would have a chance at moving on.

“Hey, Bobby,” Chelsea would say, “it’s really bad today. She didn’t go to work and she just laid in bed watching Netflix and smoking weed all day. She didn’t eat once. I brought her breakfast and then I brought her takeaway for dinner and she didn’t eat at all.”

Bobby never knew how to respond. She could be happy if she would just try, so why wasn’t she? (He was doing the same exact thing, but he didn’t want to admit it to himself. Why was she letting herself spiral down into depression?

“This is so stupid,” Chels would always say when Bobby was silent. “You are both idiots. You both are still clearly crazy about each other, you’re both miserable without each other. Why won’t you just let yourselves be happy?”

He never knew how to respond to that either and eventually Chelsea stopped calling, so the only updates would come when Bobby reached out. He tried not to, but it was near impossible sometimes when he was in his head and had to know if Ainsley was doing any better.

**_I’ve been holding on to hope that you’ll come back when you can find some peace. ‘Cause every word that I’ve heard spoken since you left feels like a hollow street._ **

Earlier tonight, Bobby told Hannah he was doing just fine and chatted for a bit about his bakery. She was sneaking furtive glances at all the pictures of him and Ainsley still all around the flat, but she was too polite to say anything about it. He asked what she had been up to and she told him she was almost done with both her novel and her memoirs and he said he would like to read them both, although he really is not too much of a reader. Then he thanked her for being a good friend and checking up on him, and told her he was really tired and had to get up early in the morning so she left, not looking too pleased about it, trying to hug him again and keep lingering there. He didn’t care. Tonight was not the night for that.

**_I ain’t too happy._ **

He pushes the sheets aside and gets up to go to the kitchen. He puts his phone in the pocket of his cake covered pajama pants. He runs a hand through his short dreads and then grabs a glass from the cabinet and pours a full glass of milk.

Bobby puts the glass of milk up to his mouth… and stops short of drinking it when he feels his phone vibrating in his pocket. _Who would be calling me at 3 am?_ he wonders. He puts the glass on the counter and gets his phone out, staring at it. It is not a saved number flashing across the screen. But still he knows the number by heart. His heart starts racing.

**_I don’t wanna make you feel bad, but I’ve been trying hard not to talk to you, sunflower._ **

He presses the green button and puts the phone up to his ear but doesn’t say anything.

“Bobby?” Ainsley whispers. “Don’t hang up.”

He doesn’t hang up.

**_I’ve been told, I’ve been told to get you off my mind. But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind._ **

“Is it really you?” she asks quietly. “Or is this the girl from earlier?”

Bobby swallows hard before he can speak. “Hi, Ainsley.”

“Hi.” She sounds almost relieved. “Did I wake you?”

He hates to admit it. “No. I couldn’t sleep.”

It sounds like she lets out a little breath of relief. “Me either.”

He doesn’t know what to say. He is definitely all out of jokes right now. “Look,” she says finally after a few beats of awkward silence, “can we talk?”

Bobby takes his glass of milk and goes over to the couch, placing it on a coaster on the coffee table before speaking, “About what?”

She lets out a nervous chuckle. “I mean, we have a lot to talk about. For instance, there’s a girl answering your phone now? Is she there now?”

He doesn’t respond to that. “Well, what about you and Lucas?” he retaliates. “I know you know I saw you.”

“There is no me and Lucas,” she says forcefully. “We were just old friends catching up. That’s it. There’s nothing more to the story.”

“Oh? It looked like there might be a little more to the story...”

She sighs. “Tonight was the first time I’ve even been out of the house in a month…” _Interesting_ , Bobby thinks. _So maybe she has been feeling the same way._ “I only saw Lucas because Chelsea all but forced me to.” She lets out a frustrated groan. “Look, can I come over and we can talk? This is too awkward like this.”

Bobby was not expecting that at all. “I don’t know if that’s the best idea…”

“So what if it’s not?”

He doesn’t have a response to that.

**_Oh my lord, oh my lord I need you by my side..._ **

**_*lyrics in chapter © 5 Seconds of Summer “Lie To Me”, “Amnesia”, and “Ghost of You”, Lewis Capaldi “Bruises” and “Tough”, Harry Styles “To Be So Lonely”, “Cherry”, and “Sunflower, Vol. 6”_ **


	7. {7} MC

###  **_7\. {MC}_ **

**_Losin’ light, I’m missing my same old us. Before we learned our truth too late, resigned to fate, fadin’ away._ **

It is well after 3:30am now. After debating with each other whether this should wait until daylight, I decided it could not wait any longer. I drive to Bobby’s flat… my old flat. It would be impossible to get a cab or an Uber at this time of night, and it is only roughly an 11 minute drive anyway. It is not too dark; the moon is full tonight and some street lamps are all down the road. I drive as fast as possible without speeding--without speeding too much, anyway.

**_So tell me can you turn around? I need someone to tear me down._ **

I knock quietly on the door. Bobby answers it immediately. I feel like all the breath is knocked out of me at the sight of him. There he is, as gorgeous as ever, shirtless in his cake pajama pants. I can’t help but take him in, his toned body, that delicious V leading down into his pants, the freckles all over his chest and shoulders. There are slight dark circles under his amber eyes, but overall he looks as good as ever. It takes everything in me not to wrap my arms around him, not to push a wayward dread off of his forehead.

**_Did we come close to having it all?_ **

“Hi,” I say softly.

Bobby moves aside, consciously keeping a safe distance between us, and I walk in. He closes the door behind me as I sit down on the sofa, and I can feel his eyes on my back the whole time. He sits as far away as possible. “You look great,” he says, no emotion in his voice so I have no idea what he is really thinking.

I laugh mirthlessly. “Thank you. But we both know that’s not true.” I let him get a good look at me without any makeup on, at the hollow circles under my eyes, at the emptiness inside the blue that used to hold depths, at the gauntness my cheekbones have taken on. “I know how bad I look right now underneath makeup, I’m not fooling myself.”

Bobby stares at me for a long moment and then shrugs. “You always look stunning. I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it.” I smile sadly at him.

“Bobby…” I sigh. “Look, I’m not gonna beat around the bush. I never have, and I’m not going to start now. I miss you. I’m the biggest idiot in the world. I’m so, so sorry. I know I hurt you. And I know in the Villa I told you I would never ever do that. And I fucked up. I’m sorry.”

**_I just wanna get back to us, ‘cause we used to have more._ **

He stares at me for a few more moments, and then looks down at his feet. “I miss you, too,” he whispers.

**_If you think you might feel the same, I’ll be right here where we left off, same old story, same old place._ **

“Then what are you doing all the way over there?” I ask, only teasing, trying to lighten the mood. Bobby just looks at me warily and I sigh. “Oh, come on, Bobby. What are you afraid of? I’m not here to try it on with you. I’m just here for a good...deep...chatting.” I pause between each of those words for effect, an inside joke from the Villa.

It works. After a few beats, Bobby starts laughing. My heart skips a few beats at seeing him smile. “Okay, you got me with that one. That was good.” He scooches a little closer but still leaves some space between us. 

**_My love, my love, won’t you stay a while?_ **

“So how’s Bobbycakes going?” I ask, hating the small talk but not wanting to hit any real hard stuff right now. He never really said anything about my apology, but that is okay for the time being.

“Oh, yeah, how come I haven’t seen you at any charity events lately?” he asks nonchalantly, as if he has not been on the lookout for me. Maybe he hasn’t, but most likely he has.

I will myself not to turn red. _Because I was avoiding you,_ is the real truth. His bakery still caters my charity’s events in London; I wasn’t going to have them bring on someone else just because we broke up. But that also didn’t mean _I_ would be at those specific events anymore. “I...I haven’t been doing those events like all that anymore. Actually, I haven’t been traveling much either. I’ve been mostly working on the adoption and shelter side lately, going to shelters and giving them supplies, spending time and playing with the animals. Organizing massive adoption events for each of the shelters and organizing the fundraising allocated to each one. Getting the animals ready for the adoption events, helping groom them and train them, and just getting to know them all so I can better help people who are looking for the perfect rescue for them.” I smile to myself.

Bobby looks a little surprised, but impressed. “Wow. That sounds great.”

I beam at him, I can’t help it. “It really is. You should come with me to playtime at a shelter sometime, it’s really fun.” I realize too late that I should not be suggesting he go anywhere with me.

He doesn’t respond to that. “So I take it you’re not moving to LA then?”

_ Actually…  _ I am, because I am not going to get my hopes up here. This is a tiny baby step, but it is only that at the end of the day. It could end right here after this conversation. But it could also...not end here. So I decide not to give him a straight answer just yet. I shrug. “It’s not off the table yet.”

“Hmm…” is all he says.

**_If you’re gonna waste my time, let’s waste it right. And hold me while you wait._ **

Bobby stands up suddenly. “Come here.” He reaches his hand down for me to take and helps me up off the couch. I am a little shocked but I try my best not to let it show. I also try not to concentrate on the feeling of his unfairly perfect and warm hand in mine…

He goes into the kitchen and I follow, staring at his toned brown back and shoulders, freckles on the tops of his shoulders just barely visible from this angle. I gulp silently. He turns on the light and starts tying his apron on. “What are you doing?” I ask.

“Bake with me,” Bobby says, and I feel like my chest is fluttering so much it’s going to explode. I should have known that was where this was headed since baking is his solution to everything. Feeling down? Bake with me. Feeling happy and celebratory? Bake with me. A conflict that no one wants to discuss right now? Bake with me. It is something that I love dearly in him, that he can love something so much it helps him when he is troubled and is always a source of joy and release no matter what. There is a look in his eyes I can’t place, almost mischievous, and I know I am in trouble now.

**_This is you, this is me, this is all we need. Is it true? My faith is shaken but I still believe… So won’t you stay a while?_ **

**_*lyrics in chapter © Lewis Capaldi “Hold Me While You Wait” and “Let It Roll”, 5 Seconds of Summer “More”_ **


	8. {8} MC

###  **_8\. {MC}_ **

**_I hope you’re lonely, hope you’re lost, ‘cause I’ve been. And I’d hate to think you’re better off without me. I know we tried to hold on but where do you go when love, it just ain’t enough?_ **

“Bobby… I don’t know if that’s the best idea?”

“So what if it’s not?” he counters, throwing my own words back at me from earlier. His golden eyes sparkle with playfulness.  _ Fuck. I’m in it now. _

I smile. “Touchè.”

Bobby smiles back.  _ Ugh, you’re killing me…  _ He opens the fridge. “What are we making?”

“Brownies,” I reply immediately.

He chuckles softly. “I should have known. Okay, so we need eggs…” He pulls out the carton of eggs and lightly places it on the counter. “And butter.” 

“Margarine,” I remind him because I don’t eat dairy.

He looks at me for a minute, as if he thinks he’s just dreaming and he’ll wake up any second. “Right.” He puts the butter back in the fridge, then stares at the contents for a moment. He closes the fridge then he turns to face me. “I don’t have anything dairy-free. I haven’t kept anything like that since…” he trails off, but I know exactly what he almost said:  _ since we broke up _ . “Okay, well, there’s gotta be something we can make…”

“Hmm…” I try to think. “Well, do we have to bake? We can make something savory maybe… A toastie?”

“Or we could just make them with water and vegetable oil,” he suggests.

I grab my chest as if I am wounded. “Now I know I’ve lost my mind.  _ You  _ are suggesting we make brownies with only oil and water. I’m offended.”

The corners of Bobby’s lips turn upward just slightly. He preheats the oven then moves to the cabinets and grabs some all-purpose flour, sugar, and cocoa powder. He finds some dairy-free chocolate chips that were left in the fridge from when I lived here and are still good.  _ Man, those things last forever apparently…  _ “Walnuts,” I remind him, but then I realize he’s already got them out.

He holds them up. “I remember,” he says softly.  _ Of course you do... _

I stand frozen still, closer to the bar than the kitchen. I am observing him, the way he moves around the kitchen so effortlessly, admiring his lithe body, scared that if I move I’ll ruin the moment. Bobby doesn’t turn back around, but he says, “What are you afraid of?” Again using my own words against me.  _ I’m afraid to do this because I don’t want to lose you all over again... _

**_Now does it kill you when you think about me? Are you as close to giving up as I’ve been? I know we kept losing touch, got lost in the rush. I pray you don’t hurt too much._ **

I find the vegetable oil and measuring cups, everything exactly where I remembered. I go to the cabinets get out a mixing bowl and then the vanilla extract. I see the baking powder behind the vanilla and grab that as well. I am pleased to find my pink himalayan sea salt still in the spice cabinet, and I get it out to add a pinch. I do not want to ruin this moment but I am tired of the sort of awkward air and I have to know. “So you never told me about this girl…” I fish.

“What girl?” Bobby asks as he checks to make sure there are no missing ingredients. Then he remembers, “Oh. That was just Hannah. Just an old friend catching up, you know how that is.” He glances at me pointedly out of the corner of his eye.

“Yeah, I guess I do,” I say softly.

“I wasn’t near my phone and she thought it was just a scam call so she answered.” When I lay out the rest of the ingredients I just pulled I find that Bobby has already started adding the dry ingredients to the bowl. He adds the baking powder and sea salt I just grabbed last. I fill a measuring cup with a cup of water as he mixes the dry ingredients and hand it to him. He adds it and then the vegetable oil and vanilla and starts to mix everything together.

“What do you mean she thought it was a scam call?” Then I understand.  _ He deleted my number…  _ “Oh. Okay. Yeah, I guess I get that too.” I find a brownie pan and grease it with some coconut oil. I place it in front of him and he pours the batter in. The oven is not even done preheating yet. 

I am still standing precariously close to Bobby. Before I can make the distance safe again and take a step back at all he turns around to face me. I feel my breath get erratic. He reaches out and pushes a thick wave of dark brown hair that fell out of my low ponytail and into my face behind my ear, and his touch lingers there. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispers.

**_And when I’m just about to pass the point of it all, you come ripping all the air from out of my lungs. And now it’s so hard to breathe. I wish somebody would’ve told me…_ **

I feel paralyzed in the best way. I was not expecting this to happen, though of course I hoped for it deep down. But I also know it is a terrible idea.  _ Is one night with him worth more pain it would cause?  _

I look into his hazel eyes and my breath catches.  _ Yes. Yes it is.  _ I will not make the first move though, because I told him I wasn’t here for that. But I need him to know how I feel right at this moment. “I miss having you in my life, Bobby,” I whisper back.

He kisses me then, and I wrap my arms around his neck on a reflex. His lips are every bit as soft and sweet as I remember. Bobby has always been the best kisser out of anyone I have ever kissed, and I have missed him so much. His arms wrap around my waist and I push myself closer to him, my body against his, deepening the kiss. 

The oven beeps loudly then and Bobby jumps back to the counter immediately.

He turns red. “I’m sorry. I—“

“Don’t apologize.” I reach around him and grab the brownie pan and put it in the oven. His eyes look wild, his breath slightly ragged, and he runs a hand through his dreads before he stands back up straight.

Bobby sets the timer. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he says quietly.  _ Ugh, now things are going to be awkward again… _

I think I might know how to lighten things up again. I am still standing near the counter, and I dip a finger into bowl with the remnants of brownie batter. Bobby is still standing next to the oven, watching me curiously. I smirk and look at my finger as if I am about to lick the batter off. But instead I reach out and touch the tip of his nose, smearing chocolatey goodness on it. “Boop!” Bobby looks almost stunned and I grin at having been able to surprise him.

He composes himself and grins back, grabbing a towel to wipe his nose off. “You don’t play fair, Lass. I’ll get you when you least expect it though.”

_ He’s already calling me Lass again?  _ I smile coyly, running my finger slowly on the sides of the bowl. “That I don’t.” I suck the batter off my finger as I stare at him, not for too long though. “But I hope you can get me good! You know I love surprises.” I am just succeeding in making things more awkward because of the sexual tension I just added to instead of making better, so I move back toward the couch which I consider a safe zone before I get too out of hand in the kitchen which has always been a sex zone for us.

He comes back to sit on the couch as well, sitting on the opposite side again. He clears his throat. “Look—“

“Can I just say something? Because I just really want to get it out there. I think about you all the time,” I interrupt him. “No, that’s a lie. I don’t just think about you all the time; you’re all I think about. I don’t know if that makes a difference to you. I just wanted you to know. I just thought… I just kind of thought you’d never want to see me again, so I just. I mean, you deleted my number right? So in a way I was right.” Then I realize something. “Although you didn’t  _ block _ my number…” I look at him thoughtfully. “I walked back and forth past the bakery so many times. I was just too scared. I figured you would reach out when you were ready and I would give you your space. But I’m tired of all that. I couldn’t take it anymore. That’s just one other thing I should have handled differently to begin with.”

**_We’ll be a fine line. We’ll be a fine line._ **

He looks at me then, but he doesn’t say anything. I study his face, the beautiful contours of his jawline and cheekbones, the freckles all across his nose and cheeks, his dazzling hazel eyes, features I have memorized like the back of my hand but I missed being able to physically see so much. He settles back into the couch and folds his arms across his chest. “I wasn’t sure if I did or didn’t want to see you again.”

“So you decided you do?”

**_I wish somebody would’ve told me that I’d end up so caught up in need of your demons. That I’d be lost without you leading me astray._ **

“I haven’t decided anything,” he says, and I don’t know what to make of the way he’s looking at me. His eyes are blazing, but I cannot tell if it’s good or bad. He does have every right to still be pissed at me. He sighs, uncrossing his arms and sinking into the couch a little more. “All I know is I couldn’t sleep tonight because I missed you and I was trying not to call you and right then you called me and it was like…” He runs a hand through his short dreadlocks.

_ Fate _ . He doesn’t even have to finish what he was saying. Because I already know. Because I have never been able to explain what was between us any other way. The sound of the oven timer beeping cuts me off from what I am about to say.

Bobby gets up to take out the brownies.  _ Ugh. I told him I wouldn’t try anything but I really just want to kiss him again... _

**_Guess I’m such a fuckin’ fool for the way that you caught me. ‘Cause girl you make my heart break more everyday. But don’t fade away._ **

**_*lyrics in chapter © Lewis Capaldi “Fade”, Lewis Capaldi & Jessie Reyez “Rush”, Harry Styles “Fine Line”_ **


	9. {9} MC

###  **_9\. {MC}_ **

Bobby sits the brownies out to cool and comes back over to the couch. “Listen,” I say before he even sits down. “I can go if—“

He sits down next to me now, not close enough to touch without it being on purpose. There’s a soft and caring look in his eyes. “You haven’t even slept yet. I have to be up in 30 minutes anyway. But you can crash in the bedroom if you want.”

I stare at him, trying to read his thoughts.  _ What do I do right now? If I just go will it just look like I’m walking away again? But if I stay am I overstepping some boundary?  _ “If you’re okay with that…”

Bobby shrugs. “Why wouldn’t I be?” I smile sadly.  _ I can think of more than a few reasons…  _ “I’d do the same for any…  _ friend _ .” He smirks as he emphasizes the word, an amused expression now on his face, and I still wonder where exactly his head is at.

“I’m not sleepy yet anyway, so don’t worry about me. Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” He doesn’t say anything so I take it as an opening. “So… How are you doing? I don’t mean like I’m fine, work is great, blah blah blah. I mean like, really?”

**_I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug. I was getting kind of used to being someone you loved._ **

Bobby sighs, resting his elbows on his knees and putting his head into his hands. “I’m a mess, if you hadn’t noticed. I haven’t even been able to think of a single joke for a month. I think everyone’s getting sick of me not being the fun guy, but…” He stops and looks up at me. “You seem like you’re doing great though.”

I shrug. “Not really.” I smile at him cryptically. “Come on now, don’t think I don’t know Chelsea calls you with status updates. That girl tells me everything. Anyway, I finally realized I was miserable with my job the way it was so I fixed that to be manageable. But that doesn’t mean anything. I just spend all day with animals just so I can avoid people as much as possible. When have I ever been that person? I just sit around eating pizza and smoking weed and sleeping when I’m not at work. Lifting weights always helps of course, but… I really haven’t been able to eat enough to enjoy lifting hard.” I know for a fact Chelsea called him the time she was with me at the gym and I passed out because I wanted to lift to relieve stress but I hadn’t eaten more than saltine crackers that day. “Even if I smoke all day I still have no appetite. I’m not much fun to be around recently either.” I take a deep breath to steel myself and look into his eyes. “Sounds like we’re both miserable party poopers who are no fun anymore. What do you think we should do about that?”

**_And I can take the hit, but I’m sorry, I don’t want the bruise._ **

“Ainsley… I… I don’t want to start with you and have my heart broken again.” He looks like it kills him to admit it. “Not that I’m blaming you or saying it’s your fault my heart got broken. I’m just saying, that’s what it always comes down to in the end…”

“I get it. I’m sorry. I’m not here to break your heart, Bobby. I’ll never let that happen again. I would do anything to keep you in my life and keep your heart safe, but I’ll settle for closure, once and for all. Just tell me to go right now, and I’ll go. You can take all the time you need, and I’ll wait, if that’s what you want. If you never want to see me again I get that too, and I won’t reach out to you again if you tell me that’s what you want. I just need to hear it so I can move on.”

**_I don’t come close to an angel, but you ain’t never been no kind of saint. But when we both came together, hell to heaven you were my escape._ **

“And what happens if you stay?” he asks so quietly his voice is a whisper.

“That’s up to you,” I reply. I continue to look deep into his eyes, not letting him look away. “I know what I want. But I understand if you want to take things slow. Or never want to see me again. It’s your call.” I chuckle sadly. “We never really did get the luxury of taking things slow to begin with, did we?”

Bobby looks thoughtful. “No, I suppose not.”

“So how about… we just be friends for a while. See how that goes.”

Bobby snorts. “Just friends? It sounds nice in theory and maybe it could work, but Lass, I’ve never had a  _ friend _ that I’ve wanted to do all the things I want to do to you.” He holds my gaze for a moment, then smirks. “And one that looks at me like they’re thinking the same thing.”

My cheeks grow hot and red and I look down at the ground. I have no idea how to top that.

**{Bobby}**

Bobby stands up and goes into the kitchen. He cuts the brownies into squares and grabs two plates from the cabinets. He does not know what he wants; he wants both ways at once right now. He wants to hold her and kiss her forever and he wants never to see her again after how she hurt him.

He should not have kissed her. Things were already complicated enough but he had been so lonely this past month and now she is here in front of him and he just could not take how she looked standing there in her pajamas, a thin white t-shirt with no bra and a pair of cotton short shorts, no makeup on, a wavy strand of dark brown hair falling out of her loose ponytail and into her face...

He puts two brownies on each plate. He can feel Ainsley staring at him as if her eyes are burning a hole in his back.  _ Why can’t this just be simple?  _ He wants her badly, so it  _ should  _ be as simple as that. But she has already broken his heart once and he does not know if he can take the pain of going through that all over again.

He takes the plates over to the couch, sitting back in the same spot where he had been, close enough to touch her if he really wanted to but not close enough that they were involuntarily touching. She does not have a bra on, and the way she is leaning back against the couch causing her thin shirt to cling to every bit of her large breasts makes Bobby gulp. “I’m sorry,” he tells her as he hands the plate to her. “I don’t have any plant milk either.”

Ainsley just shrugs. In the club he thought she looked better than ever, like she had been working out to get a revenge body or something. But now Bobby can see her shoulders look a little too thin in this light, and her face does too, her cheekbones and jaw more pronounced, too pronounced, like maybe she hasn’t been eating enough. He can see how pale she really is too, and just how dark the circles under her eyes are without any makeup to help. But it doesn’t take away from her beauty, it is just a different kind of beautiful. She definitely looks extremely different than she did at the club earlier, no longer radiating like she did under the pulsing lights; he briefly wonders just how much of it was actually makeup and whether the whole thing was just a trick of the light, whether he was just imagining that happiness he thought he saw from within because he didn’t think she could possibly be feeling the same level of misery. “Oh, you know me. I never drink anything with my sweets anyway.” It is only a half-truth but he doesn’t call it.

Bobby takes a bite of a brownie. It is good--even if it was more simply made than he would have preferred. He is watching her, and she stares back. Her blue eyes finally sparkle and he thinks he sees a quiet determination deep down in them, but he could just be imagining that again. He takes in her long thick eyelashes, the sparse sprinkling of freckles on her nose that he had memorized since they were in the Villa. He still has no idea what to even make of her being here right now. “Can I ask you something?” he asks after a beat.

“Mmm…” Her blue eyes close as she savors the brownie, and Bobby closes his because he cannot take how beautiful she is. If he looks at her one more second he knows he is going to do something he will regret. He opens his eyes a second later and she’s watching him again, her eyes searching his face for something. “Go ahead,” she says.

**_Well, we had it all. And we let it fall. But I hope you find whatever you were looking for._ **

He has no idea how this will go. He does not want to give her too much hope that he is just going to take her back. But he also has no idea if he wants her to leave just yet. He just wants to fuck her, badly. “Okay. What if I told you I decided what I want? What if I told you I want you in my bed right now and then I never want to see you again?”

She looks a little sad, but he sees a steely resolve in her eyes.

**{MC}**

I stare intently into Bobby’s eyes, but I still can’t read his mind. “I would say… that’s fair. I wouldn’t be happy with never seeing you again, but I can respect that.” I am afraid to ask him if he really means it or if it is just a hypothetical question. I know I’ll fuck him either way. But after a moment I decide I have to know. “So is that what you really want?”

Bobby sighs. He looks at me thoughtfully and then stands up. He turns to me and reaches his arm down again. I take his hand, my heart beating erratically. He pulls me up off the sofa and then immediately pulls me into him, my chest against his, and I know he can feel my heart because it is beating so hard and fast. I have butterflies right now like never before, even worse than when I first met him. His skin is soft and warm and he feels just like I remember, the subtly defined contours of his body firm against mine. He smells like the sweet chocolate from the brownies.

Bobby grasps my chin and tilts it up so that I am looking into his eyes again. “You know me,” he says quietly. “I just live in the moment and enjoy it while I can. I’m not planning that far ahead yet.”

We stare into each other’s eyes for a moment, the silence both awkward and comfortable at the same time. Then I decide if he wants me in his bed right now, I’ll be more than happy to give him his way. I curl one arm around his waist and bring the other hand to the back of his head. “You already kissed me, so I already win. But I’ll give you a do-over right now: how long can you stand not kissing me?” I tease, an old game we used to play. 

Bobby’s eyes catch fire, a blazing sparkle behind the amber.  _ Fuck. I’m the one that can’t stand to wait.  _ I tangle my fingers in his hair and bring my lips to his. He reacts immediately, one hand clenching the back of my shirt and the other reaching up to undo my already loose ponytail. He curls his hand in my wavy hair and I deepen the kiss, pushing my body closer to his and softly flicking my tongue at his lips to part them.

He pulls away and looks at me for a moment, that same fiery look never leaving his eyes. He takes my hand and leads me into the bedroom. I secretly pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming.

**_*lyrics in chapter © Lewis Capaldi “Someone You Loved” and “Headspace”, Lewis Capaldi & Jessie Reyez “Rush”_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers and notes: So, this is completely inspired by LITG of course, but also listening to a lot of music combined with playing the game 24/7. Specifically, Lewis Capaldi’s album ‘Divinely Uninspired to a Hellish Extent (Extended Edition)' (well, all of his music actually, as well as 5 Seconds of Summer’s album ‘Youngblood’, (and recently Harry Styles ‘Fine Line’).
> 
> Initially this story was based around "Lie To Me" by 5SOS but as I kept going I realized it was more based around Lewis Capaldi's music. Each chapter will feature pieces of lyrics and I will always credit the artist and songs at the end of the chapters.
> 
> Disclaimer: Pretty much all of the characters are copyright LITG and Fusebox, I just embellished on the characters and situations given in the game (there will be some flashbacks and references to the Villa of course). I spend enough money on this damn game for gems, I should be able to let my imagination run with it lol. I really wanted to flesh out MC and Bobby and also give more background, as well as give reasoning and depth to certain... shall we say 'amnesia glitches' (*cough cough* sharing a bed with Lottie after CA) because the r/fuseboxgames subreddit has made me realize maybe there can be a reason for everything Bobby did instead of perceiving it as a glitch, and I wanted to explore that. Also I wanted to take conversations from the Villa and give them more depth, because I don't think if MC was really super outgoing she would just say what she says in the game and that be it lol. Also I love angsty Bobby stories so that has been a huge inspo as well.
> 
> Also, MC is named Ainsley for the purposes of the story (I just don’t like reading stories that say MC through the whole story instead of a name because I mostly read on my phone) but feel free to use a chrome browser extension to replace the name with whatever you like.
> 
> Further disclaimer: cannabis usage. Yes, I’m aware it’s illegal in the UK but I’m in the US where it is legal and I’m just writing in the setting of the UK for the purposes of staying true to the characters and game. But yeah we’re gonna pretend like it’s fine because this is fiction and I really want MC and Bobby to be on that together. So don’t come at me over that, it’s fiction and I am aware of the recreational usage laws in the UK. Just pretend they’re somewhere that it’s legal in those scenes if it bothers you that much lol. I was gonna take it out because I thought I was the only one who thought Bobby and MC would be ganja burners, but thank you to the ever inspiring reddit community! An older post on the r/fuseboxgames subreddit made me realize I wasn’t the only one in the world who thought that and it's actually a popular opinion, so I’m leaving it in, and there won't be too much anyway. 
> 
> Also, I live in the US so I tried to do research on the geography of London and the UK before I wrote it in, but if I get something terribly wrong I'm really sorry.
> 
> Sorry that was so long, but I hope you enjoy the story (even though it's more like a novel haha) xx


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